Sammy’s alarm rang.

I hid under my covers.

Fifteen minutes later my alarm rang as well, and I couldn’t avoid it any longer. Seven thirty came sooner on Fridays than any other day of the week. I peeled one knee from the other and took my first step toward coffee.

As slow as I was, I arrived to class early. Professor Vitelli approached me as I set up near an unused easel. He motioned gently with his cane to the other students pinning various sketches onto the wall. Harmony wasn’t there yet.

“Good morning Miss Rachel.” He said.

“Hi Professor.”

“Would you kindly choose a few pieces from your sketchbook assignment and hang them on the wall? If you require tacks, I believe there is a tin circling the room somewhere. I would encourage you to use the drawing you made of Mx Harmony’s shoe last Friday, but I will leave the choice to you.”

I nodded silently to Professor Vitelli, who smiled back at me the way only old people could. I didn’t want to show the misshapen shoe. It was just a mistake, and I knew Vitelli wouldn’t punish me if I didn’t put it up, but he would ask why later. It was probably best to simply hang it and let the class do the talking. I was in art school; critique was what I wanted.

When class began, Harmony still hadn’t arrived.

“Hello everyone.” Professor Vitelli said to the class.

We murmured collectively in response.

“Please take a walk around the room and inspect your peers’ work. We will go student by student and discuss what they’ve decided to show today. I look forward to your insight.”

Nobody moved. Until Professor Vitelli gestured for us to get up, and then we all scattered.

There were capable people in the class. Kennan’s grasp of value was excellent; he shaded in blocks so each piece popped graphically. A few people had aimed for a picture-perfect replication, but none of them were as good as Harmony. The other sculpture kids were pretty good, strong three-D shaping and proportion. The photo kids looked like they hated the project. Their angles were good, lighting was great, but as for technical drawing skill they weren’t even trying.

I tried not to look at the weird shoe I’d drawn. It wasn’t even shaded. Everyone else’s work was tonal, with great depth such that their objects came to life on the page. I reminded myself that graphite wasn’t my medium. I wanted to sculpt things. I just didn’t want to make a fool of myself, something I seemed to be on the precipice of quite a bit.

Professor Vitelli coughed to gather our attention.

“Let’s begin here on the left, Miss Charlotte, is this yours?” He said.

“Yes, Professor.” A small plaid clad girl answered timidly.

We went through everyone’s chosen pieces, one at a time, discussing the strengths and weaknesses of both technique and content. People seemed slightly taken aback by Professor Vitelli’s critique of their object choice. The assignment was to draw something from several angles. So everyone, myself included, focused on trying to get a strong variety of angles. He barely addressed the angles. Until Greg Walton-MacVarnovsky got defensive about his subject.

“There’s no other reason, it’s a toilet, no one draws toilets, so I thought I’d draw one. I got a ladder so I could draw it from above in my bathroom, it’s about perspective, Professor. Why does it matter why I picked the toilet? It’s just a toilet.” He said, crossing his arms. I immediately wished Sammy was there.

“Mister Greg, do you believe Duchamp chose a toilet simply because no one chose toilets?” Professor Vitelli asked. Greg sighed with exasperation.

“I don’t know, Professor.”

“Perhaps he did. I would like you to do some research. Come back next Friday and explain to the class why Duchamp chose a toilet.”

“Are you kidding?”

“I suppose we will find out next week.” Professor Vitelli answered casually.

Greg looked absolutely stunned. The whole class watched in silent horror as he sweat in his seat. Thankfully, he was wearing capris. I couldn’t tell if he was livid or completely checked out. Professor Vitelli ignored him and calmly walked to the next row of drawings, which unfortunately were mine.

“Miss Rachel?” He motioned to my pieces.

“Yes. Professor.” I glanced at the class, incredibly anxious. They looked as nervous for me.

“Would you talk to us about this piece?” He pointed directly at the misshapen shoe. I swallowed.

“That’s, uh, that’s Harmony’s shoe. Last week after class was cancelled, we went to get coffee and came back here, but while we were walking back, I was watching their shoes. So, I drew one.” I stuttered.

“Any particular reason?” Professor Vitelli pushed. My heart raced.

“Uhm. I guess… Harmony walks fast. They take long steps. They don’t look where they put their feet, but they never trip over the curb. They always wear those same New Balance sneakers, so I’m kind of drawing them.”

Professor Vitelli stood there and listened patiently. A small thin grin opened out of one side of his mouth. I blushed and he closed it again. Turning back out to the class he asked aloud.

“What is happening with this shoe?”

Someone I didn’t know slowly raised their hand and avoided making eye contact with me. They explained how part of the laces were too large. The professor nodded and called on someone else. That person talked about how the sole was stretched into the heel. The next pointed out the heel’s height and compensation for the sole. Eventually, Kennan raised his hand. I watched, teeth clenched, steeling myself.

“It looks like there’s a foot in it, and it’s pushing onto something.” He said. Professor Vitelli stopped and blinked at Kennan.

“Please explain, Mister Kennan.” The Professor gestured.

“Well, it’s not proportional, which we’ve talked about, but because of that the shoe bulges. Like it’s filled with something, and the laces can barely contain it. The front of the shoe is bigger, and it leans forward like all its weight is there. Maybe it just hit the ground or it’s just about to jump off.” Kennan explained leaning forward to point. Professor Vitelli nodded in agreement and turned away from my drawing. I breathed.

“I see something similar.” The professor said.

The class looked confused. Almost as confused as I felt. Kennan beamed. Professor Vitelli motioned to me.

“Would you elaborate to the class why you chose the shoe?” He asked.

“Uh, ok, um. I’m not sure. I mean, I kind of watched their shoes before we went to get coffee, and then after. They walk differently when they’re nervous. I guess they were stressed out about something, or more like worried, and I could see it in their shoes. Well, in the way they walked. When we got back, I couldn’t get it out of my head.” I said. Professor Vitelli nodded to the class.

“Trust your lines. Trust your subjects. Follow through with what you attempted to do when you first put your pencils on the page. Drawing is about discovery, not about getting the right answer. Sometimes your body knows where to go, and you simply need to learn how to shadow it. Let’s take a five-minute break.” He announced.

Professor Vitelli turned back away from the class as he looked at my drawing again. Everyone began to stir; I got out of my seat and walked over to him.

“Professor, is Harmony alright?” I asked.

“Mx Harmony called this morning saying they were not feeling well. They warned me about this and said that I should not worry. Their voice was unsteady. I believe it’s a chronic illness of some kind.”

“Already? Fuck, I mean… Thank you, Professor.” I said quickly. Thoughts of Harmony wracked with pain on the floor of their apartment overtook me. I must have truly looked horrified because Vitelli’s eyes widened in concern.

“If you must go, you may.”

“I, what? Are you sure?”

He nodded.

“Yes. Ok, thank you.” I inhaled, leaning forward to collect my drawings from the wall.

“Leave them for the class, I will have them for you when you want them.” He interrupted.

“Thank you, Professor, thank you.”

I rushed to my seat and put away my sketchbooks. By the time I was done, messenger was already open on my phone and I was texting Harmony. Letting them know I was heading there as quickly as I could. I nearly ran by Kennan who waved at me in confusion, but I was already out the door.

I got outside and looked both ways, trying to remember how to get to Harmony’s building. They lived past the library, but coming from Millennium Park. I tried to orient myself, then took off at a brisk pace. I remembered the small bodega I passed on my way home from Harmony’s last time. It wasn’t on a university street, so I suspected the next one over. I crossed and followed the road down until I hit the bodega. Harmony’s building was in sight, splintered crack in the right-side glass door.

But it was locked. I looked at the row of ringers and faded name plates, nothing. Then I remembered: ninth floor, third door on the left. I traced through the buzzers and gave a blank one my best guess, still nothing. I was about to ring them at random until the door opened and an older lady walked out with her dog. I jumped up and held the door then slipped in behind her. I felt like Agent Forty-Seven.

Sprinting steps two at a time, I lost track of what floor I was on. There weren’t any numbers in the stairwell. I peeked through a door: a hallway filled with more doors, each one with a doormat. No way did Harmony have a doormat. I looked at one of the ringers. Floor seven. With a groan I took the stairs again.

Third door on the left.

Was it weird? Too late.

No doormat. I knocked.

“Ray?” I heard, muffled by the door.

“Yeah, it’s me.” I answered between heaving breaths.

“It’s unlocked.”

It was. I dropped my bag and jacket by the door and walked through the empty living room, now missing its pizza boxes and newspaper. Harmony was in bed. The covers were in a heap at their feet, half kicked to the floor. They were wearing sweatpants and a hoodie, but had unzipped and rolled up all the sleeves and legs. Harmony looked sweaty. I met their eyes, but Harmony didn’t move. They just smiled innocently and gave me a thumbs up.

“Hello.” They said cheerily.

“Harmony… are you ok? Professor Vitelli, he said you weren’t feeling well, and I was thinking about the seizures you talked about, and I got worried. Did… what happened?” I blurted, dropping down at the edge of their bed.

“Yes, I’m alright. The seizure happened earlier this morning, but I feel fine now. Thank you.” Harmony said softly.

“Oh my god. Is this a bad sign? What are we supposed to do? Should we go to a hospital?”

“No, no. I will admit it’s not a great sign, but it’s the first seizure this iteration. For now, I think it will be alright.”

“Do they always come so soon?” I asked.

“Two months is early for the first, but it’s nothing to worry about.”

“What do we do?”

“You needn’t do anything. I will take things slowly and move forward.”

“Was it stress related? Like you said?”

“I’m not entirely sure.” Harmony answered. I waited for elaboration but it didn’t come.

“I don’t understand.”

“I was definitely thinking about things. Complicated things. And I was definitely worried, but not overwhelmingly so.” Harmony said vaguely.

“Harmony, you’re being cryptic. You asked for my help, remember?” I felt powerless. Harmony looked away.

“I apologize. I’m not accustomed to this. To telling you everything. Here. Now. Usually, I’m lying to you. My first excuse is usually a fight with my uncle. I almost used it on you today.” I could see them breathing in and out cautiously. They seemed ashamed.

“I’m glad you didn’t lie. But why didn’t you tell Vitelli that?” I asked.

“I can’t lie to him. He can tell, every time. He knows I’m not telling him the whole truth, but he trusts me. I don’t even know what I did to deserve it. Whatever it was, it happened before I can remember. Vitelli’s the only one who checks up on me when the loop begins. He calls me. On the morning of the twenty-sixth, at eleven-thirty precisely. He asks me how my summer was. I don’t have an answer. No matter what I say, he tells me about a show he saw recently, one he thought I’d like. Then he asks if I’ll be a student teacher in his class.” Harmony sniffled.

It took them some time to build up the courage to push on in the conversation. I didn’t interrupt.

“There is an inherent stress that exists simply facing the inescapability of this life. This prison. I don’t know how to explain it. As useless as it is, I find myself dreading what I know is certain to happen. The dread serves no purpose, and sometimes it’s debilitating. I know, consciously, that it doesn’t matter if I’m scared. I know it doesn’t change anything and yet the dread arrives.”

I put my hand on their arm. It was warm, and still wet. Harmony looked at my hand sadly.

“Do you fear the inevitable?” Harmony asked.

“Yeah. Shit. I’m afraid of lots of things that I’m sure will happen. I’m afraid my parents will die. Paul. Charlie and Hebrew. I’m afraid that one day I’ll stop making art. One day I’m gonna make something, it’ll be the last piece I ever make, and I probably won’t even know it.” I answered.

“Do those keep you awake at night?”

“No, actually. Well sometimes, but mostly Charlie and Hebrew, because I know it’s sooner. What really keeps me awake is the things that might never happen. I might never make art that matters. I might never go to Budapest. I might never get to say goodbye to someone I care about.”

“You like goodbyes.”

“I do. Not because I like it when people leave, but because I like to see them go. It’s the last page of a book. You’d never read a book and close it before you read the last page.” I said.

Harmony listened. I’d probably said those words to them before, but they didn’t look tired of hearing it.

“I think you have anxiety.” I finished after a long pause.

“Everyone has anxieties.” Harmony retorted.

“Yeah, I mean, you’re right. But some people deal with anxiety in different ways. Like not to diagnose you, but this may be more than just situational anxiety.” I cringed. Was situational anxiety a thing?

“There’s always something to be anxious about.” Harmony said flatly.

“That’s exactly my point, yeah, I think learning to manage the anxiety is the first step to being able to manage the problem. Like, it’s not gonna fix anything, but it might make you feel better –”

“No doctors.” Harmony said abruptly.

“Uhm. No doctors?”

“You were going to recommend a therapist.”

“It’s a good idea. My past selves clearly agree.” I crossed my arms, a little put off.

“They make my skin crawl. Doctors freak me out more. If this is about managing my anxiety, seeing a doctor is going to make it worse… I’m pretty sure I was vivisected once.”

“You’re pretty sure WHAT?” I yelled.

“I’m not sure, it’s way back there. One of the earlier memories, long ago.” Harmony said, running a finger down the center of their scalp absentmindedly.

“Holy shit.”

“Perhaps I’ll think about talking to someone. Someone without the capacity to have me committed.”

“Great! I mean, It’s completely your choice. I want you to be able to manage yourself, and… I can’t be your only tether to reality. Plus, I’m not even good at managing my own stress. I freaked out a little when Vitelli said you weren’t feeling well… I’m glad you’re ok.”

“Thank you. And thank you for coming.” Harmony lifted their hand and touched my elbow, with my hand still on their forearm. I felt a chill as we met eyes and pulled away.

“No problem… Totally cool. I’m your friend. In the meantime, can you stand? We should get you some food.” I said nervously.

“That would be lovely.”

Harmony groaned as they sat up, the first major movement I’d seen them make since I’d arrived that morning. They tried to stand, and immediately stumbled to the side with vertigo. I sat them back down and brought their sneakers to the edge of the bed. Harmony nodded at them.

“How did your critique go this morning?” They asked.

“Don’t you already know?” I joked.

“Actually, I don’t. I’ve never seen you choose my shoe as the subject for your sketches in the angles assignment. Professor Vitelli always uses that assignment to subvert the class’s expectation of what he’s interested in. Students seem to think that line quality and drawing proficiency is what he’s most focused on, but in reality, he should have questioned each student’s decision of their content. Did he not?”

“He definitely did that.”

“He makes an excellent point at the end of the class. ‘Your contrast and value mean nothing if the subject of your drawing is devoid of content.’” Harmony recited from memory. I sort of wish I’d heard it in person.

“He was pretty harsh today.”

“On your work?” Harmony asked, eyebrow raised.

“No, on other people. He’s gonna make Greg research Duchamp.”

“Ah, I completely forgot about Greg’s toilet, of course. Mister Greg never takes the criticism well. What did Vitelli think about my sneakers?”

“The drawing? He liked it actually.” I shrugged.

“He did? That’s excellent! Wow. He frequently complains to me after that class. Often, he’s concerned that students don’t actually care what they draw anymore. You must have impressed him.”

“I don’t know… He’s a bit intimidating. I think.”

“It’s a façade. He puts it on to scare students. I think he enjoys the power a little too.” Harmony rolled their eyes.

--

We finally made our way onto the street. Harmony could stand without help, but I lingered nearby. A little closer than usual, just in case. We walked to the bodega on the corner, which wasn’t nearly as packed as it was Thursday morning. Harmony got us some sandwiches from Miguel, whose dad owned the bodega. Apparently, Miguel took night classes at the university, but also made ridiculously good subs. Harmony seemed to know everything about everyone.

Back on the front stoop of Harmony’s building, we ate on the steps. The sandwiches were, in fact, ridiculously good. I munched away happily on mine: a spicy sausage, onion, pepper, and mustard combination just dripping with cheese. Harmony picked through theirs. Pieces of onion kept falling out, so they were practically eating it just with their fingers, making a mess everywhere.

[drawing]sausagesub[/drawing]

Harmony looked like they were feeling a bit better. Their gait and breathing seemed normal, but their attention was slightly elsewhere. I asked if they wanted to watch a movie and they agreed.

As we went up, a little kid in the stairwell chased a runaway ball down past us.

I had the sudden realization that Harmony had probably seen nearly every film that I might naturally pick. And they were too polite to tell me. A century of the same Netflix selection was a horror I didn’t dare imagine. I felt the compulsion to surprise them and set to work trying to find the most obscure film possible. I settled on a live-action anime reboot television film from a series I’d never seen. The look on Harmony’s face told me I’d been successful.

As the exposition dragged on, and the cast of characters we were supposed to recognize grew longer, the sandwich settled in my stomach. Drowsiness took hold, and I leaned into Harmony to get more comfortable. They watched the film intensely, trying to sort out what was happening. I put an arm around their stomach.

“Is this ok?” I asked.

Harmony nodded.

--

I stirred to awareness after a few hours, Harmony sleeping beside me. They seemed so calm, as if the muscles in their body had finally relaxed. I nuzzled my head against their back. The thoughts of not muddying our relationship with romantic feelings occurred to me only briefly as my consciousness slipped away again.

-- 

When I awoke more fully, we were holding hands. I didn’t move. I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t want to recognize the fucked-up nature of the situation. For me, the first time, and for Harmony, who knew. I tried not to give away that I was awake, but eventually Harmony noticed and let go of my hand. They rolled over until we were face-to-face.

“I’m sorry, Ray, I should have let go earlier, I didn’t want to wake you.” Harmony whispered.

“It’s ok, I was awake. It was nice.”

Harmony’s eyes winced a bit. I couldn’t help but reflexively wince as well. What the hell was I doing? They said they didn’t want us to be romantic. I tried to recover.

“Shit. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. It was dumb.” It was selfish.

“I understand. It’s alright. You didn’t do anything wrong. You told me how it made you feel. I feel things too.” They admitted, inhaling. It sounded cold, but warmth lurked underneath.

“But, your seizures, the time loop, I don’t want to mess anything up…”

“It’s not your responsibility. It’s not in your control any more than it is in mine.”

“I feel guilty.” I looked up at the ceiling. I could still see Harmony out of the corner of my eye.

“Ray… When I asked you for help, I didn’t mean for you to put this whole burden on your back. I think you’ve done that already.”

“I’m sorry. It’s hard not to think about my role. In your life. Or lives. And you already said that we’re usually together. What if that means something?”

“Perhaps it does, I don’t know. When every piece of life repeats itself, with absolute precision, it becomes difficult to see what means anything.” Harmony answered flatly. It burned to be just a fraction of an incidental piece in their loop.

“It means something to me.” I said, bitterness escaping.

“It means something to you? Tell me. What does it mean to you? You’ve known me for a few weeks. Before that you didn’t even know I existed.” Harmony said patronizingly, sitting up.

“And so… What? I can’t have feelings? I decide what means something to me, don’t fucking tell me what’s important.” I yelled back. Harmony glared at me at first, but the frustration in their eyes faded.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. That was careless and insensitive of me. You absolutely decide what matters. You didn’t sign up for any of this, and you’ve been nothing but loving and careful with me anyway. I shouldn’t doubt your feelings, or your understanding of them. I’m confused and upset with myself, not with you. Forgive me?” Harmony apologized, settling down to gaze into the ceiling with me.

“I forgive you. I’m trying to understand how it must feel from your perspective. It hurts sometimes, though.” I said. I curled my fingers in the thin blanket, wishing it was Harmony’s hand again.

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know. It’s not always your fault. Just thinking about how you see me hurts.”

“How I see you?” Harmony asked. Another question they hadn’t heard.

“I’m part of the loop. There’s no way around it, it’s just true. Like, I don’t want to be. I want to think I’m special, different, you know? But I don’t know if I mean anything if I’m just going to reset when you start over. If I don’t remember you and do the same thing again next time…”

“You mean something to me.” Harmony said softly.

My heart tried to escape.

“Ray?” Harmony asked.

“I… I mean, rad. Awesome. So, what am I doing here? In your bed.” I stumbled, tripping over my own heartstrings.

“Well you barged into my house quite early this morning. Uninvited, I might add. Then –” Harmony snickered.

“I thought you were DYING.” I said, exasperated.

“We are all dying.”

“Now I pity any therapist who has to put up with you.”

“Until then, perhaps…” Harmony started, genuinely looking for the right words.

I waited.

“Would you like to revisit our agreement not to pursue a romantic relationship?” They finished.

“Can I kiss you?” I bit my lip as I asked. Hard. A warm pain ricocheted in my mouth.

“If I can kiss you back.” They nodded.

I’d never spun around so quickly in my entire life. I was too eager to be embarrassed about being eager.

My face left the pillow and mashed into Harmony’s lips. I unraveled my fingers from the blanket and brought them to the sides of their face, pulling them closer to me. Harmony’s right hand cupped my head gently as their lips moved to find mine; I had definitely missed. The soft pull of our mouths, coupled with their hand pushing against my hips, eventually pulled me on top of Harmony. Their fingers pushed into my back, unmoving, like I was being cradled by a statue. They were more assertive than I expected, like they had been thinking about that moment as long as I had. Or longer. I opened my eyes for second. Harmony’s were closed.

A hundred thoughts flew through my head.

I pulled away and tore off my jacket. I’d forgotten it was on until Harmony traced their hand down my arm. They watched me take it off, not budging from where they were beneath me. They reached up as I wrestled with it to hold my shirt down. Once freed, I bent over Harmony again. After one kiss I hesitated and pulled away, mere millimeters from their lips. Before I could form a thought, Harmony’s body lifted up toward me as their eyes fluttered but didn’t open. They wanted me. That was all the encouragement I needed.

I pushed one hand under their back and one hand behind their head as I dove in. I wasn’t sure where to go, but Harmony’s rhythm was easy to follow. Unsurprisingly, they read my body perfectly. As soon as I leaned to one side, their arm came up and braced my leg, rotating us until I was lying on the bed. I nestled down into the pillow to hide when I saw them open their eyes. I blushed, even though I had already opened my eyes several times to look at them.

Harmony took the opportunity to put one thumb on my chin and rotate my head a couple inches, exposing my neck. I felt their breath first, a sensation that trickled down my spine. Suddenly thrust into a vampire novel, I gripped the sides of the futon to hold myself down as their lips met the newly exposed landscape. I was shaking. Chills wracked me as their touch followed my collarbone up to my ear. I gasped for air when their tongue brushed my steel earing. They leaned back a little, opening their eyes.

I wanted to have sex. I didn’t care what kind, and I didn’t know what that meant with Harmony, but I was ok with that. So much was still a mystery, though. I was curious, and I wanted to know Harmony’s body. I knew to respect nonbinary gender identities separate from physical appearance or genitalia. But sex changed the conversation. Harmony expressed androgynously; their genitalia was always personal. Suddenly, it felt important. I tried to rationalize that it didn’t matter what they had. Vagina, penis, or whatever, but it did matter. A little. Maybe it wasn’t that it mattered what they had, but instead it mattered that our sex incorporated that, if Harmony even wanted to.

“Are you alright? You look as if you’re thinking really hard about something.” Harmony asked gently.

“Uhm. I’m not exactly sure how to say this… So, I’m just gonna ask. Do you want to have sex?” I surprised Harmony, a secret victory for me.

“I would love to, but perhaps we should at least begin a different conversation first. Unfortunately, what you’re asking about is not as simple as it seems.” Harmony said, sitting back, taking my hand in theirs.

“That’s what I’ve been thinking about, when I was… I’m pretty sure I don’t care. I’m not… I’ve never had sex with someone who had a vagina before. And, like, only a few times with a penis… I’m not really experienced anyway, so… It doesn’t matter to me, I like you. I don’t care.”

Harmony still looked surprised, nodding with a smile. I nervously picked up my train of thought again to fill the silence.

“I mean, I do care, about you. I don’t care what’s in your pants… I mean, fuck, I do care about you and what’s in your pants but not… Shit. I’m gonna care about you regardless and want this no matter what. What’s in your pants is important to me and can’t be wrong.” I winced at my terrible confession and looked away.

“Wow. That was probably the most adorable thing I have ever heard you say.” Harmony said. I could feel my skin getting hot with embarrassment.

“Fuck that’s so bad of me, I am so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I –”

“I mean it. I’ve never heard all that from you unprompted. I feel considered. I truly feel that you care about my body. I care about yours.” Harmony looked down at our entanglement.

“I mean it too.”

“Let’s talk for a moment.” Harmony said, lying down beside me, our hands still together.

“Ok.”

“Sex is… difficult. Logistically speaking. I must ask you to be gentle. It involves moments of euphoria between us that can lead to damaging brain activity for me. A seizure.” Harmony sighed.

“Like, THE seizures? The ones that make the loop end sooner?”

“Yes. The very same.”

“So, you can’t have sex without dying?”

“Well. No. Not exactly. My brain is in a state of constant rapid deterioration. The more stimulation, the faster the process, but only if I exceed a threshold. I can endure moderate strain without collapsing, everyday activities, basic interaction, and even normal surprises like bumping into someone or dropping something. Issues arise however, under situations of high strain, most commonly stress-induced panic attacks or physical violence.”

“And sex, can create one of those situations.” I followed.

“Yes. It can.” Harmony answered slowly.

“But we’ve had sex before? How… What did we do?”

“We moved slowly, for me. But… That is actually a burden that I trust you with. It isn’t intuitive. To listen to my soul and lead me carefully down this river. Unlike sex is for you, for me it can’t be an immersion of bliss where the rest of the world falls away between us. That’s too much. You will hear my enjoyment and know that you can’t indulge me. As we go on, it falls to you to deliver me safely. Pace me. Guide my heart with tenderness. If you will, I trust you with my body.”

“Fuck. That’s kind of some pressure, you know, Harmony?”

“I realize this. And I realize it isn’t how sex works. It isn’t your responsibility. My fear, the trauma that I have sustained to bring me here isn’t yours to bear. I still –” Harmony began before I interrupted.

“You’re right that your trauma isn’t mine. But you’re wrong that it isn’t my responsibility as your partner.” I said.

“Partner?” Harmony asked.

“I mean, I sort of jumped the gun on whether or not we’re dating, but I mean partners sexually. I can choose whether or not I want to have sex with you. If I choose that I do, then that means I want all of you. Trauma included. I want that responsibility because it’s part of what it means to have sex with you.”

“I’m… Thank you. How is it that I am still learning new things from you?”

“You’re welcome. But also, a lot of that is talk and I’m terrified that I’m going to kill you so please teach me what to do first.” I blurted. Harmony laughed, a full belly laugh.

“I will. Don’t worry too much, you’re good at it.” Harmony winked.

I had to fight to keep my face from boiling red. Harmony moved the discussion again.

“Additionally, I think it’s important to disclose that I have no sexually transmitted diseases. Though this is a conversation I have had with you many times, you haven’t had it with me. For true consent, I think it’s right that I tell you. Would you like me to get tested again?”

“Oh, uh, no. I believe you. I’m glad you told me. Even though you already know, I also don’t have any STDs. I haven’t had sex since I last got tested.”

“Thank you.”

“Sure. Uh, Harmony?” I asked.

“Yes, Ray?”

“Are you sure this is ok? I mean, with the timeline and stuff. You said before that… Well you said you decided we wouldn’t be involved romantically. Which I accepted. Did something change?” I wondered aloud.

“I did say that; it was how I’d decided to pursue this iteration at first. Though clearly a number of things I decided to attempt have not gone according to plan. A lot of things changed, but not my feelings for you. Of which I’m glad, this is the first time in many iterations I’ve stepped outside of our usual mold. But I care about you, and I want to be in your life.” They said. I wanted to be in theirs.

“So, you decided not to date me and not tell me about the loop, and now we’re kind of in the middle of both.”

“Yes. In a way, I completely failed. But the reason I made those rather arbitrary decisions were to stir my life and try to explore new opportunities, something that would help me avoid complacency, and present new solutions.”

“Do you feel complacent now?”

“Not at all. You’ve already, in the past few days, breathed new life into me. I couldn’t ask for more. Though I might.” Harmony smirked.

“I guess I just want this to be something you also want. Like, would you be here doing this with me if I didn’t start it?” I looked over at their face.

“I have a hundred years of evidence to prove this is exactly where I want to be.” Harmony said, unblinking.

I reached out to touch their face. Harmony met my hand with theirs and kissed my palm. I rolled over my shoulder, my back against their chest, immediately enveloped in their embrace. Harmony drifted past my ear and put their lips quietly on my cheek. Their slow heartbeats audible through the silence.

I turned to kiss them, finding Harmony’s lips and bringing them to mine. We stayed locked in our moment. The rest of our limbs orbited the point where our lips met. Neither of us inclined to let go as we repositioned to press our bodies into one another. Their warmth began to flow through me. Each touch rippling through my arms into my abdomen. Harmony barely moved, but flowed with me perfectly. When I rotated, Harmony was waiting for me at the other end. When I reached for them, they were there. When I wondered what was next, Harmony knew.

So, I took the initiative. I wanted them. I brought my leg up, in between Harmony’s, until my thigh was pressed against them. Their hips were now locked against mine, rotating into one another. Grinding. At the final tip of a revolution, I felt it. Harmony’s whole body strained against me, gripped me, as a gasp escaped their lips.

“Slowly. Slowly…” Harmony managed between shudders as they leaned on me for support.

“Sorry.” I said, easing off.

“Don’t be. Your intuition was right. It always is, but let’s take a break on me. At least for today. After this morning, I’d like to play it a little safer.” Harmony said, relaxing as I put my arms around their shoulders.

“Ok, sure.” I answered, disheartened.

“But if you want, I’d like to feel you.” Harmony said, running their fingers over mine.

“Can we, uhm, take off some clothing?” I whispered.

“Alright.” Harmony swallowed. They looked nervous again.

I let go of Harmony and pulled off my shirt. They didn’t budge. Or look at me. I unclipped my bra and pulled the straps over my arms. The cold air massaged my newly-freed torso. I pulled the blanket up over my stomach and inhaled as much as I could comfortably.  Harmony still hadn’t looked over.

They sat up and slowly took off their hoodie. They put it on the ground by the bed and finally turned back to me. They looked embarrassed; both of their hands firmly wrapped at the bottom of their black t-shirt.

“I wear a binder. Is it ok if it stays on?” Harmony asked softly.

“Definitely. Of… Of course.” I said, sitting up instantly.

I reached a hand out onto their elbow. Harmony started to pull their shirt up and I stopped them.

“You don’t have to take your shirt off. I asked because I wanted to take off mine.” I said.

“Are you sure?”

“One hundred percent.” I answered. Harmony let out a huge sigh of relief and collapsed back on the bed.

“No matter how many times you tell me that, it never gets easier to ask.” Harmony admitted.

“Why is that?” I asked.

“You always take off your clothes with so little fear. I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“Woah, woah, woah. Ok first of all, there’s a lot of fear going on over here too. I mean, I know I’ve got nice boobs but I still feel exposed. And for me, this is the first time with you. Of course I’m nervous.”

“You do have nice boobs.” Harmony smiled, peeking up at me.

“My point is… I think you’re cute. Wear or don’t wear whatever you want. I’ll still kiss you.”

“Anything I want?” They teased.

“Ok no, not anything. You know me too well and I’m sure you’d find something completely repulsive just to torment me.”

“I have no idea what that could be.” Harmony said innocently.

“Great. I’d love to see what you can come up with instead of having my neck kissed some more.” I said, lying down and crossing my arms.

“In that case I’m not certain I need these anymore.” Harmony said.

They slid off their sweatpants, revealing black compression shorts accentuating their long, beautiful legs. Realizing we were back in, and caught by surprise, I fumbled at my jeans trying to unbutton them. Harmony leaned over me, their buzzed short hair brushing against my arm as they descended.

“May I?” They asked.

My heart answered and the best I could do to translate was nod. I reached out for their head, but words and thoughts vanish as Harmony’s lips touched my stomach.

-- 

I fished a dirty cup out of the sink, washed it, and filled it up with water. My legs were shaking. Waddling back to bed, I took a big swig and passed it to Harmony who placed it on their chest without drinking any of it. I laid back down and cuddled up next to them.

Our arms touched.

My phone buzzed, which was odd; I rarely turned on the ringer. I leaned out and looked at it: a message from Kennan, a few from Sammy, and one from my mother. I pulled myself back into bed to scroll through them. Harmony got up, opened the window, and lit a cigarette.

[drawing]Harmonywindow[/drawing]

“I need to go to Kennan’s gathering tonight.” They said abruptly.

“Oh, ok, what’s going on?”

“It is highly likely that there will be another unfortunate incident with his neighbors.” Harmony sounded serious.

“Shit. The guys… The ones you gave fifty bucks to? What was that about?”

“That was a temporary solution to avoid an immediate catastrophe. What time is it?” They deflected.

“Uh, It’s about five.”

“After or before five?” Harmony asked, cigarette extinguished, suddenly looking for their clothes.

“It’s five o-seven. What’s wrong?” I felt pressed to find my clothes as well.

“I would like to be there before six, just to be sure.”

“Alright, sure, I’ll get an Uber.” I found my pants and got them back on.

“Use Lyft. It’s usually slower, but it’s always faster today.” Harmony was already out of bed and in the bathroom.

We hurriedly took turns peeing and getting ready. I texted Kennan.

            On my way over.

Then Sammy.

            Harmony and I are on our way to Kennan’s if you want to go.

I glanced at Okaasan’s text, a long one, something about Paul, but it didn’t look urgent.

Once we were sitting in the car, Harmony seemed extraordinarily pensive about something.

“Talk to me. What’s happening?” I asked.

“I apologize. This particular gathering never sits well with me, no matter how it resolves.” Their brow stayed tight.

“That sounds vague. And ominous. Vaguely ominous.”

“I give fifty dollars to David Jackobs at the first gathering. Two weeks ago, Kennan’s neighbor. This diffuses the tension. There are several ways that evening ends, but I prefer paying them because it ends things immediately. No one gets hurt, and the police aren’t involved.”

“Tonight is different, though?”

“Paying David escalates the issue but delays the initial harm. He’s cruel and vindictive, and I don’t know how to stop him appropriately.”

“What happens tonight, Harmony?” I insisted.

“There’s a fight. It always happens either a week ago or tonight depending on the last few seconds of the first party. It gets bad unless I intervene. If the police get involved the situation spirals and I lose the ability to control things.” Harmony steadied their breathing. I wondered if they’d been at Kennan’s the week before.

“Fuck. Can we stop David before the party starts?” I suggested, but Harmony was already shaking their head.

“He doesn’t even know about it yet. If I prime him now, he only comes earlier, and gets more intoxicated.”

“Then what does work?”

“The volatility of the evening is quite extreme. The minutia of how I deliver the fifty dollars and how I navigate tonight can cause drastically different outcomes. I need your help. Our priority should be Kennan and John’s safety. And making sure no one calls the police. You’re a variable now. I can’t accurately predict the outcome because you will act differently now that you know the stakes. However, that means maybe you can help.” Harmony said. Their eyes already asking for that help.

“Ok. I’m not sure how yet, but I’ll try. What’s the deal with the police?” I asked.

“They pose two issues. If they come, they are extremely likely to arrest both Sammy and India –”

“FUCK. Are you serious?”

“It’s Chicago. Both Sammy and India will be angry, and rightfully so. The police will tell them to calm down, ask if they’ve been drinking, and then arrest them for any excuse. Racism is ingrained into the policing of this city.”

“This is bullshit. What’s the second issue?”

“If they get arrested, or even if they don’t, I have no sway over police activity. Once they are involved, my actions mean very little. Kennan and India will be on their own.” Harmony gazed out the window.

“Shit… I already told Sammy to come.”

“India texts her anyway.” Harmony said softly, almost to themselves.

“Shit.” I whispered again.

--

The freestanding blue door stood reliably despite the wind’s best efforts.

We waved to India and Kennan on the porch and ducked inside to get out of the cold. Harmony made a drinking motion and pointed to the kitchen, asking if I wanted a beer. I declined. I didn’t feel like drinking, not with how high the stakes were. Harmony understood, nodded, and squeezed my hand before slipping into the kitchen. I sat myself down in the corner of the couch.

A guy walked past. Big, dark-skinned, sleeves halfcocked revealing bright red tattoos. I thought of Manaia. Man. Harmony’s mystery friend I’d found on the internet. In all of their stories, they hadn’t told me who that was. Maybe I should’ve asked? The guy turned as someone yelled Rondell and dipped into an adjacent room.

Harmony came back moments later with a beer and a bag of pretzels. They winked and tossed me the bag, I barely managed to deflect it.

“Don’t these, uh, belong to someone?” I asked in a fluster.

“Emmet Carlisle brought them and some Doritos, but the Doritos haven’t been opened yet.” Harmony said, sitting beside me. Close enough that our thighs touched.

“That’s cool, no need to open –” I started before noticing a grin forming on Harmony’s face.

They knew I would say that.

“Are you going to be insufferable?” I groaned.

“Call it my love language.”

“Thought detection can’t be your love language.”

“First of all, that’s not what’s happening… And second, why not?”

“Cause it’s invasive. What if I changed my mind right now and wanted the Doritos?” I asked.

“I’d get them for you forthwith.” Harmony answered with pride.

“Hm.” I said, not convinced.

“Imagine I couldn’t detect your thoughts, as you say. If I simply knew you well enough to bring you pretzels because you’d prefer them. Would it be invasive then?”

“I guess not. But you’d probably ask me if I wanted Doritos.”

“Understood. I will share more, I apologize.”

“Actually, I’d like that. I want to know what’s happening in your head.”

“Forgive my adjustment, then. I’m not accustomed to being so transparent. You don’t often ask for such. No one does.” Harmony admitted.

“Uhm, Can I ask you kind of a weird question?” I opened.

“Does it require us to step outside?

“I don’t think so, but I don’t know.”

“Go ahead.”

“Who’s Manaia Malala?”

Harmony’s face grew somber.

A multitude of emotions flickered through their eyes. Each masked by the next. Harmony’s mouth frowned for an instant, smiled, then tightened. They searched for an answer to my question, infinitely more complicated than I imagined. I had the urge to take it back, but couldn’t.

“Man. My Man. He’s lost. He’s a ghost, a shadow that hangs over the Harmony that existed before me. He and Harmony were… very close, I imagine. A relationship beyond my memories. He doesn’t exist on this side of the twenty-first. The only footprints he left amount to a pale image of who he must have been.”

“I’m sorry…” I said, reaching for Harmony’s hand. They seemed to regain composure as we touched.

“He left for Australia before my loop begins, the information I have is… disappointingly sparse.”

“What happened to him?”

“He left. He’s… gone. The messages I have say he’s supposed to return next year, but I’ve never made it that far.” Harmony swallowed.

“You miss him.” I stated. I wasn’t sure it was true, but I read it on their face.

“I do. It’s not so simple though…”

“Ok, well, you’ve probably already tried messaging him, right? Have you ever –”

“Is it alright if we save this conversation for another night? What with the coming of David.” Harmony interrupted.

“Oh, I’m sorry, ok. Yeah, totally.” I said, put out.

Harmony tried to smile.

I wanted to know more. Anyone who knew Harmony from before the twenty-first was a worthy connection. An answer? Or a clue? Or even just a hint at what questions to ask?

Harmony’s face didn’t carry that hope. They didn’t mask their feelings well. Manaia was just out of reach. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to forget a friend. If Tsuki disappeared from my memory, she would leave a hole the size of my childhood. I loved Tsuki, regardless of whether or not I was at Brown with her.

Sammy arrived about half an hour later; I could hear her booming laugh as soon as she called out to India on the porch. The floor shook with her excitement and my heart leapt. I hopped off the couch to greet her at the door just as it opened.

“It’s pretty wild, you should check it out. Angela Basset’s in it.” India said, continuing a conversation.

“What can’t that lady do? It’s a crime she doesn’t have an Oscar yet.” Sammy concurred. I hugged her around the waist as hard as I could. She didn’t even lose balance.

“For real. Hey Rachel, how are you?” India asked.

“I’m good. Just chilling, any luck with the job search?” I asked back.

“Well yes, as a matter of fact. You been to the café up near our train station? Come by anytime, I work mornings. My manager says I can give discounts to friends as long as we break even.”

“Rad! Sammy?”

“Definitely. You sell beans too?” Sammy asked.

“Up to two-pound bags, I think.” India answered.

“We’ll have to come for a taste-test first then.”

“I look forward to seeing you.” India said, really talking to Sammy.

“Likewise.” She flirted back.

I pulled on Sammy like an impatient child.

“Excuse me, I’ll be back once I deal with this parasite.” Sammy said.

We walked as a unit through the living room. Harmony saw us and waved; Sammy noticed. Our combined form barged into the kitchen and plowed through a small gathering around the ice chest. Sammy leaned over to get a beer, so I relaxed my grip, separating us.

“Girl. You and Harmony. Tell me. Everything.” Sammy said, popping the cap off a dark-brown bottle for emphasis.

“Remember how I said, you know… Before… that we decided not to be together… and I cried and said that’s what I wanted too…” I trailed, feeling my face turn red.

“So that was a fucking lie.” Sammy said in her best Tyler, the Creator impression.

“I wasn’t lying! I think we both believed it at the time. Even though it was only two days ago, it feels like a lifetime. But in the moment, today, everything was different. No rules, no arbitrary decisions, no bullshit excuses. I knew what I wanted, and I think they did too. Even though we were supposed to be honest on Wednesday, I don’t think they were truly honest with me until today.”

“And…? What happened?” Sammy said, looking for juicy details.

“I dunno, I asked if I could kiss them, and they said yes…” I turned away. The room was suddenly uncomfortably hot.

“Oh my god… You two had SEX, didn’t you?” Sammy practically screamed.

“Shh! Maybe…”

“Tell me tell me tell me. Was it good? Was it hot? Were they respectful?” Sammy asked, holding me at arm’s length, inspecting me for damage.

“I can’t even lie. Harmony was so sweet, and… well… they’re not shy about their tongue…” I said, leaning in to whisper.

“Fuck me. Oh girl. I’m gonna need to take a quick bathroom break in like ten minutes.” Sammy said, squatting and shaking out her hands dramatically.

“Sammy!” I protested.

“You returned the favor, I hope?”

“They weren’t feeling it today. Next time. Is that weird?” I asked.

“Interesting. I don’t think so. That kid likes you. A lot. Trust is super weird at the beginning of relationships like that. If you think they’re being honest with you, trust that they mean it. If Harmony said they wanted to go down on you, they wanted to. If they said they weren’t feeling up to it for themselves, trust them. It’s not about you personally.”

“You’re right… How are you so fucking wise sometimes?”

“Teen Mom. Empire. Brooklyn Nine-Nine.” Sammy shrugged.

She laughed and I rolled my eyes.

I felt guilty knowing the chemistry between her and India was there but soured. After I caved and got a beer, we cut a path into the living room to find Harmony still sitting in the same spot, looking backwards out the window behind them. I assumed they were waiting for David and the cornholers.

Sammy sat down directly in front of Harmony and immediately started questioning them, clearly trying to put them on the spot. Mother bear. I instinctively wanted to intervene, but Harmony was grinning in a precognitive way. Every question that Sammy asked was anticipated and answered delicately. It was amusing, understanding what was happening from the outside for once. Someone walked up behind me.

“Hi Rachel, hi Sammy, hi Harmony.” I heard, recognizing the voice immediately. Sammy and Harmony waved and then returned to the inquisition.

“John! Hey! I haven’t seen you in forever.” I threw my arms out to give him a hug, but he shied away so I gave him an awkward pair of thumbs up.

“I saw you in passing across the street on Tuesday, but you were too far away to say hello to, and then we talked last week about the vintage tube amplifier I’m working on.”

“Tuesday… I must have missed you. Did you ever figure out how to replace the broken tube?” I asked

“I have begun researching the best replacement, and have the technical specifications figured out, but the mounting board is home-made. Current Russian models don’t fit those tube mounts, so I may have to remake the mounting board or find a custom tube.” John said, sighing.

“Actually, I might be able to help with that.” I said.

John’s eyes grew wide. He was uncharacteristically speechless.

“I told you my uncle was, like, a glass blower back in Japan, right? Well I sent him a message and he said he knows someone who makes these tubes. A guy he apprenticed with back in the day. Turns out he still makes them. I can ask about it if you want?” I offered.

“Yes. Yes, please. That is so cool. Can I text you the specifications right now?”

“Sure, if you let me listen when it’s done.” I smiled.

John beamed.

“So… is there music tonight? Or are you just here to hang out?” I asked.

“Kennan said no live bands until he talks to his neighbors. He said I can come over on Fridays but said I can only talk to people I know because I got punched by the loud neighbors across the street.” John explained. I hadn’t realized the cornholers had punched John at the show. He didn’t have any obvious bruising, but I felt worried for him, especially considering Harmony’s earlier warning.

“I’m sorry. I’m sure Kennan’s just looking out for you. You can hang out with me. I won’t punch you.” I said, taking John by the arm.

“Irretrievable brain cells die with each head trauma, successive damage compounds with the first.”

“That’s true. It’s probably best to avoid people that punch you.” I agreed.

We sat down on the couch opposite Harmony and Sammy. They were still engrossed in their conversation, but it sounded amiable.

[drawing]couches[/drawing]

“Hey, uh, John, can you help me with something?” I prefaced.

“Ok.” John perked up with interest.

“If I asked you to try to find someone, or find out stuff about someone, could you do it?” I whispered.

“A background check will give you general information on anyone’s education, criminal history and employment history. I can run someone’s credit and do a broad search of pubic databases.” John answered, surprisingly unperturbed.

“What if I wanted to know other stuff, like, where they are, or how to contact them?”

“Depending on what information is publicly available, that can be easy or difficult; the more active they are online, the easier.” John answered, still speaking at full volume.

“Can you keep this secret for right now?” I whispered. John cocked his head. I glanced at Harmony, who wasn’t paying attention, and got my phone out subtly. John leaned over to see the screen as I got onto Facebook and found Manaia’s page. It was still private. John took my phone and sent the page to himself via text. He looked back at me.

“Is this for Harmony?” He asked.

I sweated.

“I could tell, because your only mutual friend with Manaia Malala is Harmony.” He said.

“Yes, but please, this is… Uhm… A birthday thing. Manaia is out of the country, in Australia I think, but it would be super cool if we could, uh, get him here for… Harmony’s birthday. But don’t tell anyone.” John immediately typed in Australia. He scanned his notes.

“When is Harmony’s birthday?” He asked.

“It’s… coming up, but you have time. What do you think?” I answered, realizing I didn’t know Harmony’s birthday.

“I’ll start a probe and let you know what I find.”

John, already fixated, got up, and walked away. My chances of taking back what I started disappeared with him. I began second guessing my actions. What had I done? I hadn’t disclosed anything sensitive, but had I blatantly betrayed Harmony’s trust? Fuck.

Suddenly, as if they knew, Harmony was standing behind me.

I screamed.

Everyone at the party fell silent. I forced a laugh and tried to wave everyone off, my face showing unprecedented levels of bright red embarrassment. People finally returned to their conversation, and I winced at Harmony.

“Ray? Are you alright?” They asked with real concern.

“Yeah, of course! Why wouldn’t I be? You just… spooked me.” Sammy and Harmony both looked at me with ample skepticism.

“I’m going to get another beer for Sammy and I, would you like anything?” Harmony asked hesitantly.

“Oh, no, I have one already, thanks.” I pointed to where I thought my beer was, but it wasn’t there, I looked at where I was seated before, but it wasn’t there either. I looked back at Harmony, smiled weakly and shrugged.

“Alright.” They said and started to walk away, putting one hand gently on my hip in passing.

“Uh, Harmony? When’s your birthday?”

“September twenty-second. But birthdays aren’t real you know?” They winked and vanished into the crowd.

Sammy motioned for me to come sit down. I did and immediately found my beer over on the other side of the couch. It was nearly full still, what a night. She leaned into me excitedly.

“I like them. They’re cute, they’re cool, they like you. But careful girl, Harmony might be a little obsessed. Don’t let them get all creepy on you.” Sammy said, waggling a long finger.

I faked another laugh and grinned, embarrassed that I was the one being creepy, asking John to stalk Harmony’s missing friend. Then again, Harmony had experienced many lives in our relationship, so they were already stalking me through time. In a strange way it was sort of fair. Or completely beyond comparison. What a bizarre rationalization.

Sammy and I gossiped until Harmony came back. They didn’t interrupt us but instead just gazed out the window to watch newcomers. Just as I wondered when the cornholers might arrive, Harmony’s fingers gently tapped my arm.

Directly out the window, a posse of five masculine figures took turns tossing beer bottles over the street into an open garbage can in front of Kennan’s lawn. Glass was everywhere. I groaned. Sammy followed our eyes to the cornholers approaching outside.

“Aw hell no. Are they coming here?” She asked, standing.

“I don’t know.” Harmony answered tactfully.

“Yes.” I corrected tactlessly.

We could already see Kennan on the porch waving them off trying to tell them something, but whatever it was, it wasn’t working. Sammy opened the front door and Harmony followed her out. I scurried after them, dreading everything Harmony had told me.

“SEE? The whole welcoming committee arrived! We must be invited!” David, lead cornholer, boisterously proclaimed to the entire street.

“Dave, please, not tonight.” Kennan said.

“Are you gonna have your friend here pay me off again? By the way, it’s a hundred bucks this time.” David jeered. Harmony glanced at me knowingly. Kennan stepped up.

“Dude, really. Please leave us alone” Kennan said.

“Please. Pleeease.” David said, mocking Kennan. The other cornholers cackled among themselves. India stood up on the porch couch and pulled out her phone.

“We did not invite you, this our fucking house, get the fuck off our property.” She shouted with explicit clarity, only fanning the flames of laughter. Harmony tensed.

“What are you gonna do? Call the cops? They’d probably come here and shoot you. Ugly-ass-bitch, go back where you came from. Nobody’s talking to you.” Other cornholers chimed in. Harmony gripped the porch railing with white knuckles. Sammy steamed.

“I should’ve beat your ass last time you were here.” Sammy said. I held her around the waist, but she marched down the steps like I was nothing.

“You said a hundred dollars, here it is.” Harmony said, jumping past us. David rolled his eyes.

“Fucking kids. Its two hundred now that your dogs are all excited.” He said.

“I have a hundred and twenty, take it.”

The cornholers started their hyena laughter from the sidelines.

“Why don’t you make him swipe his card in your ass, Dave!” One sneered. Harmony was stoic to the misgendering and crudeness. They held out a few bills in their hand.

“Take it and walk away.” Harmony said. David smiled.

“I’ll be waiting next week to collect my fee, two hundred, plus the eighty you’re missing today, and I want it delivered. If I have to come here and fetch it, I’m not gonna be happy.” David said sadistically. Harmony glanced at me in discontent as David stepped forward, reaching for the money.

Defeated, I relaxed my grip around Sammy. Everything felt horrible, Harmony was right.

As if suddenly released, Sammy stepped out towards David and clocked a full fist into his temple, dropping him to the ground effortlessly. We all heard the smack from her fist and the dull thump of his body, but no one moved, not even David. He just laid there for a few seconds, crumpled in the grass. Everyone waited.

Eventually he groaned and rolled to the side. Sammy looked up at the others.

“Get him and go. Don’t fucking bother us again.” She said, wielding anger I’d never seen.

“You bitch.” David said, nursing his forehead.

“Dave…” One of the cornholers muttered. David got back on his feet

“I’m not afraid to hit a girl… Or a ni –” He started.

“MY BROTHER’S A COP!” I screamed, slipping in front of Sammy and looking up at the now-bleeding David. He frowned. I held my phone to my ear, already calling Paul to sell the lie.

“… Let’s go Dave.” A cornholer complained.

“I swear, if you don’t leave right now…” I threatened, unsure of what I’d follow that up with. Harmony looked as surprised as everyone else.

“What? I’ll just tell ICE to deport you, and your pussy brother.” David smirked.

“You can try that. Once you explain why your whole house smells like weed.” I dared.

“Weed’s legal.” He said, off balance.

“Are you twenty-one? I’m sure you are from all those beer bottles.”

“… Dave lets go, I can’t –” One of his friends tried, but David cut him off.

“Listen here. You call the cops, and I’ll tell them about all this bullshit.” He said, gesturing to Kennan’s house.

“Weed’s still a felony in Illinois, should we roll the dice?” I asked, phone still against my ear. Paul never answered.

“Dave, I’m out, man. Fuck this.” A different cornholer said, sweating. Another nodded in agreement. David stared down at me.

“If I see any cops, I know where you live.” He said, not having any idea where I lived. I turned off my phone.

“It’s a deal.” I said.

David scoffed.

He kicked a bottle and turned around, his crew joining immediately. Sammy didn’t budge, face still cold. We waited for them to leave before going inside. I caught up to Harmony and leaned against them, adrenaline flowing hot.

“Fuck. Was that bad? Has that… happened? You know, before?” I asked.

“That has never happened. You were pretty quick there, with cop thing.” Harmony said, a small smile showing.

“Otoosan read me all the alcohol and drug laws before I moved. He smokes a lot of weed.”

“I didn’t know that.” They said, surprising us both.

“Guess it never came up.” I shrugged, secretly overjoyed to teach Harmony something new. They seemed happy about it as well.

“You should attend to Sammy right now. She takes this hard.” Harmony said, nodding to her large form ahead of us, already through the front door.

“Oh, ok. I will, thank you.”

I gently put a hand on Harmony’s back as they turned to sit down with India and Kennan, who were both horrified. Sammy was making a bee line for the kitchen; people split to let her through. When I got there, she was sitting alone at a table with an unopened beer in front of her. I closed the kitchen door behind me and sat down. She looked up, tears silently streaming down her face. I hugged her immediately.

“Sammy… It’s ok, it’s gonna be ok.” I said as I pulled her into me and held the back of her neck; her big arms fell over my shoulders.

She started to sob.

I cried as well, but it felt good to cry.

“I didn’t… I shouldn’t… I don’t know what I was thinking.” She mumbled.

I just held her silently.

“Do you think he’s ok? I just wanted him to stop… Oh god.” She continued.

“He’s gonna be fine. He’s an asshole and he’ll get over it. How’s your hand?” I asked, inspecting her knuckles. There was a bit of bruising, but nothing substantial. Sammy barely noticed.

“After what he said about India, I was just so mad… And then when he said he’d come back… And then… I’m sorry.” She sniffled.

“It’s really ok, we’ll take care of whatever happens next.”

“Next… Oh no! Are the police really coming? I can’t go to jail my mom would be so mad…” She said, pleading.

“No one called the police, I was bluffing. You know Paul’s not a cop.”

“He’s not… He’s still in high school. I forgot. You sounded so serious.” Sammy said, laughing a little.

“Speech, One hundred.” I joked.

“Is that a videogame meme?” She asked.

“Yeah…”

“You just quoted a videogame meme out loud to console me? Nerd.” She said, smiling.

“I mean, you just inflicted level one hundred destruction on that guy, it’s only fair.” I retorted.

“I did hit him pretty hard…”

“You slapped him into the fucking ground you know? Like HOLY SHIT it was awesome.” Sammy giggled a bit into a hiccup.

“What happens if they call the police?” She asked.

“I’ll say he swung first. Don’t you worry about that.”

“You’d lie to the police for me?”

“Hell yeah.”

“That’s the best thing anyone’s ever said to me. I love you so much.” She said.

Sammy hugged me back, sitting straighter and enveloping me in her massive frame. I looked up at her and took her fist in my hand.

“It was pretty badass, right? But not very cute…” She said softly, gazing through the door.

“What are you talking about? Planting assholes in the dirt is definitely cute. It was rad, I bet India was impressed.” I said suggestively.

“You think?”

“Yeah, but I wouldn’t punch people very frequently. Special occasions only.” I cautioned.

“I’ll try not to. Rad?”

“Rad.”

Sammy sighed as she collected her courage.

We stood up. She shook the tears away and wiped her eyes before grabbing a bottle opener. She eyed the trash can in the corner of the kitchen and popped a beer cap across the room right into it. Sammy was a goddess.

Suddenly the door opened abruptly, and John walked in. He looked like he was both surprised to see us and looking for us at the same time. His eyes flew directly to Sammy’s bruised hand.

“Kennan said you punched the guy that punched me. If you were concerned, I have no intention of punching you to complete the cycle. Hi Rachel.” He said flatly. No hint of sarcasm.

Before either of us could muster a response or a follow up question, John left and closed the door behind him. We looked at each other and simultaneously burst into laughter. John was so weird, and so sweet in his own way. That must have been enough though, because I could see the peppy Sammy returning in her laughter. She looked happy again, and I hated seeing her anything but.

Harmony was engaged in a lively conversation with other classmates from my Friday morning class when we walked back into the living room. They made eye contact with me immediately, then switched to Sammy, and then back to me. Harmony gave us a questioning thumbs up, silently asking if we were ok. We both nodded and gave a thumbs up back.

They wrapped up their conversation and walked towards us. Sammy gave me a sultry wink and slipped away.

“It’s too early to tell, but you both may have just resolved this evening better than I ever have. Who says violence is never the answer?” Harmony said, visibly pleased.

“She feels really bad, you know?”

“I would as well if I had the ability to knock someone out cold like that. Did John come in? I may have encouraged him.” Harmony smirked.

“He is so funny; I really like him.”

“I do as well, though I’ve never formed a strong bond with him.” Harmony said.

“Really?”

“He is interesting though. Did you know he and India are dating? They go out frequently.”

“WHAT? That’s… How do you know?” I asked, stunned.

“John will tell you. It’s more his story to tell, though he shares it openly.”

“Wow. I guess India has a really specific taste in guys.”

“She does like nerdy White boys.” Harmony laughed.

“Well did you know that John can do data recovery, run credit, and do background checks?”

“I… Did not, I’ll admit.” Harmony said, surprised again.

“Which actually… leads me to… I need to get something off my chest. I might have fucked up, please don’t be mad.” I winced.

“What do you mean, mad? I don’t understand…” Harmony said, suspicious.

I stood there, embarrassed, looking for the right word.

“Did you tell John?” They asked, motionless, pain crawling on their face.

“No! No, no. I asked him to do something. I didn’t tell him anything.”

“What is it you asked him to do?” Harmony pushed.

“I think, I mean, I feel like… Manaia is a clue, I’m pretty sure. To figuring out what happened. Or what is happening… So… I asked John to try and find him.” I finally admitted, grinding my teeth in my mouth as I waited for a response.

Harmony inhaled very slowly. They weren’t quite angry, but they felt strongly about something.

“I’m sorry Harmony, I don’t know what I was doing. I’m just trying to… I’m sorry…” I stammered.

“I know. Come with me.” Harmony said and walked right by me into the kitchen. I followed solemnly.

We walked through the kitchen and out the back door. It was quite cold, though Harmony didn’t seem to notice. They sat down on the stoop, gazing into the wintery blackness. I bundled up my coat tighter, sitting as well, prepared for a lecture. I wanted to apologize again, but Harmony spoke first.

“I’ve been to Australia. I’ve looked for Man. My earliest memories of this existence are of ceaseless repeated searches for him in the Australian desert. Life, plane, desert, death, life, plane, desert, death. The ever-elusive Man. No food, no water, day after day, iteration after iteration. Just a corpse in the wind. Each death no more than a new body to break upon the rocks. Blurred together. Until I’m held out there only by a thin specter of him. I love him, but I don’t even know who he is. Man is lost, forever. And I don’t know how many lives I lost in turn to that search. How much of me disappeared. My childhood is sweat and tears and rage in the desert… for nothing. I’ve never heard Man’s voice. Manaia. My friend, or whatever he was supposed to be.”

“Harmony. I… I didn’t… I’m sorry.”

I could see a tear rolling down Harmony’s face. Then another. I pulled their body against my already moist shoulder as I felt it convulse into sobs. I started to cry too. I always cried when someone else was crying.

Harmony convulsed again, more violently. I couldn’t hear them crying. I looked down and rolled them back a little on my arm. Harmony’s body was completely limp, their eyes were white, and a little strand of drool stretched out of their mouth to my jacket. They looked dead, absolutely lifeless in front of me.

Suddenly their chest decompressed, and their arms straightened out as if they’d been electrocuted, almost pushing me away. Harmony became rigid for a millisecond before their abdomen clenched again and they started to spasm. I held onto them as best I could, no idea what to do. I started bawling as I looked around, trying to hold Harmony up despite their erratic movements.

I wanted to scream for help.

I wanted to save Harmony.

I wanted to fix them.

I wanted…

I clenched my jaw and pulled Harmony into my lap, tears streaming down my face. I braced their arms and neck, so they didn’t hurt themselves. I held them, pleading for Harmony to survive as their soul and body fought for control.

As I held them, I realized that one day Harmony would die. The world might reset for them, but not for me. My life would have to go on.

In that moment I felt a hand on my cheek, quivering slightly. I brought my hand up to hold it as I looked into my lap. Harmony smiled at me; one eye had returned to normal as the other was still rolled back, twitching. They made a shushing shape with their lips. Slowly, they closed their eyes and the shaking lessened until Harmony was still as a rock in my lap.

--

Then they inhaled.

A long, ragged, deep breath filled their chest as they opened their eyes again. They tried to reposition an extended leg but grimaced immediately and gave up. I pulled them a little higher off the steps we were splayed out on.

“Hey… You kinda scared the shit out of me…” I said softly. Harmony took their time responding.

“In retrospect, I probably could have warned you.” They whispered in a raspy voice.

“Are you… ok? Should we go to a hospital?”

“No, thank you. I just need to rest a bit.”

I felt helpless. Harmony closed their eyes again and laid silently in my lap, still limp. Their breathing worried me. It was irregular at first, but eventually gathered strength and evened out. No one interrupted, even the wind and cold stayed away. It was as if the whole world waited for us.

Then an insect’s dull thrum interrupted the silence, then another, and eventually I could hear the murmuring of people inside. Harmony shifted in my lap and motioned out to a pair of old white lawn chairs in the dark.

We got up, with some effort. I heaved the bulk of Harmony’s weight as they moved one foot slowly after the other. We staggered ten feet into the grass before Harmony leaned out and grabbed the arm rest of the chair and collapsed into it. I sat in the other next to them. It was cold, wet, and uncomfortable, but Harmony consumed my thoughts instead.

“This is twice today, isn’t it? Is that, like, a bad sign?” I asked.

“I will admit that it isn’t a good one. I should be more careful.” Harmony said.

“It was my fault, I told John, I shouldn’t –”

“It’s not at all your fault. Neither my seizure nor my condition. You were trying to help, and I wasn’t transparent enough with you. A mistake I continue to make. I’m sorry.”

“I pried a bit too far…”

“I asked for your help. I need to trust you.” Harmony said as firmly as they could.

“Are you, sure?”

“Yes… But it hurts. I have, for many lives now, tried to forget that Man even existed. He abandoned me. He left me here, alone. As ridiculous as that sounds.”

“I’m sorry.” I empathized.

“I try not to think about it.”

“I hope we find him. I think that will help.” I said.

“I hope we find him as well. That surprises me. In fact, this day has been filled with surprises.” Harmony leaned back and reached out to place one of their hands in mine.

[drawing]lawnchairs[/drawing]

I felt a little better, but guilt remained. I had been inconsiderate. Both of Harmony’s feelings and the nature of the loop. I had hurt them, and while I wasn’t directly physically responsible, my actions had physical consequences. I knew I fucked up, and Harmony suffered for it. That shouldn’t have happened.

The back door crashed open. Kennan and India burst out loudly, singing a musical duet I didn’t recognize. They found us in the yard and plopped down on a patch of grass next to us, giggling to each other. Sammy, John, and others eventually joined, seating themselves around the nonexistent campfire.

Sammy pulled me aside.

“Are you coming home tonight? Or are you staying at Harmony’s again?” She asked.

“Uh, I think…” I trailed off as I watched Harmony, strength returning to their body as they laughed aloud at one of India’s crude jokes.

“It’s ok if you wanna go with them. I just gotta figure when the next train is and –”

“You know what? I think I’m coming home. I’ll stay with Harmony another night. I’m ready whenever.” I decided.

Harmony blew me a kiss. They already understood.