The sound of my name drew me from the darkness of a restless sleep. I pushed myself up. Around me, the long empty hallway distorted everything. It was still dark outside, but the florescent lights were brighter than the sun.

“Rachel? Rachel Mori?”

My eyes felt crunchy from crying all night. In front of me stood a short woman in a lab coat. Oh right. I was at the hospital.

“My name is Dr. Rivera; I understand you came in with -------.” She said. A name I didn’t recognize.

“Who’s -------?” I asked, yawning.

“------- O’Gallagher. She came in after having a seizure last night.”

“You mean Harmony?”

“Is that her preferred name?”

“It’s not preferred, that’s their name. Also, they’re nonbinary. No gendered pronouns.” I said.

“I understand. My apologies.”

“What’s up with Harmony?”

“She’s–, excuse me, they are stable. We won’t be performing any surgery tonight.”

I sighed in relief.

“Have you seen their uncle? We contacted him, but he hasn’t checked in.” Doctor Rivera asked.

“Uhm, no. I’ve actually never met him.”

“Oh. Well, if you do meet him, please tell him to check in at the desk so we can discuss Harmony’s diagnosis.”

“Can I see them?”

“Unfortunately, no. They’re sleeping and we’re monitoring them very closely. We don’t have nearly enough information to say they’re out of the woods yet. Perhaps later today. Right now, I think you should go home and get some rest.”

“Rest. Sure.” I said sarcastically and got up.

“Be safe, Rachel.”

“Thanks.”

I followed the exit signs through the hospital. Coming in with the ambulance left me with no sense of direction, just a haze of panic. It was one AM.

I checked my phone.

            Hey girl, I assume you’re at Harmony’s. Let me know you’re safe when you get this. Luv u. Sammy texted. September twenty-first, eleven forty-five PM.

            Long night, I’m ok. I’ll tell you later. I sent back.

She’d see it in the morning.

In the waiting area, I saw a familiar old man. Both hands clasped over his cane, head hunched over forward, and knees bent as if he were about to get up but fell asleep in the middle of the motion. I couldn’t believe he was still there.

“Hey, Professor?” I said gently.

“Hm? Oh, Miss Rachel. I must have fallen asleep.” Vitelli answered.

“Thank you for coming to the hospital. I really appreciate it, and I know Harmony does too.”

“It was the least I could do. Our friend is alright then, I take it?”

“Well, they haven’t woken up yet.”

“I see.”

“You can go home though. You don’t have to stay here.”

“I suppose you’re right, I’m not doing anyone much good sleeping in the lobby, am I?” He sighed.

Professor Vitelli leaned forward slowly as if he was going to stand, and then he stopped. He didn’t have any momentum, and he appeared stuck in his seat. I put an arm around his back and gently lifted him onto his toes. He grunted a bit but looked stable enough once he got his cane positioned correctly.

“Thank you, young lady.” He smiled.

“Are you alright, Professor?”

“Oh yes. I’ll have to sleep in waiting rooms more often.”

He wheezed a bit at his own humor and hobbled out the automatic doors into the cold night air. I followed him at first but stopped when he turned for the parking garage. Nothing about my body wanted to go home. My arms and legs were exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep anymore. Not now.

All I could do was replay my last conversation with Harmony. I wanted to find Man so badly because I thought he would know something about the loop. He knew Harmony before, it made sense. It couldn’t be a coincidence that Harmony’s loop began right before the death of their best friend. And that their earliest memories were entirely devoted to saving him. It had to be possible. If Man was alive when Harmony started their iteration, it was possible to save him.

I scrolled through my text history aimlessly, eventually landing on Tsuki. In the past, she would’ve been the first person I called about something crazy. Not that anything comparable had ever happened. I opened the messages.

            I guess the signal is rough out there, text me when you get wifi. I can’t wait till you get back! Tsuki texted. June Thirtieth, eight o-three AM.

I still hadn’t responded.

My fingers hovered over the digital keyboard. Someone had to go first. I clenched up over the reply button.

            Are you up? I sent. Tsuki texted back instantly.

            Yeah. Are you ok? She asked.

            I could use a friendly voice. I wrote.

            Call me. She wrote back, not even asking why.

I felt like I didn’t deserve her. Never so nervous about a phone call in my life, I pushed on her contact photo. A picture of us sitting on the hood of her Bronco.

“Hey, uh, Tsuki?” I asked.

“Rachel! Oh my god it’s been way too long! What’s up!” She screamed.

“Oh, you know, nothin really.” I lied.

“I’ve missed you so much! Ahh!”

“Yeah…”

“This is wild. We need to talk more.” She laughed.

“Yeah, it’s my fault. I’m sorry. I’ve been… Busy. School and everything.” I winced. I needed to apologize for real.

“I TOTALLY get it. Same here. Engineering is way more work than high school. I feel like an idiot in every class.”

“You’re at Brown, Tsuki, no one there is an idiot.”

“You say that, but you haven’t met some of these guys. They make Steve look smart.”

The idea that there were stupid people at Brown made me feel like I was even stupider for not getting in. Ugh.

“I did meet one cute guy though…” She said.

“Just one?” I teased.

“Hey! For now.”

“What’s his name?”

“His name is Bei. Isn’t that so cute! I get to call him Bei all the time!”

“Actually, that is pretty cute.” I admitted.

“He’s Chinese though, do you think my mom will care?”

“She shouldn’t. If she does, I’ll talk to her.”

“Mom always loved you.”

“That’s just ‘cause I spoke to her in Japanese.”

“Japanese is so boring…” Tsuki groaned.

“I like it. I should use it more, though.”

I paused. For a second Tsuki didn’t fill the void and I thought I’d ask for her advice but lost my courage before I could.

“So, how’s it going with Bei?” I said blankly.

“He’s in rehab right now.” She sounded serious.

“Really?”

“Yeah. He admitted himself on Friday.”

“Wow. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s a good thing. We talked about it a lot before he went. I’m mostly sad I won’t get to visit him for the first week.”

“That’s really mature of you.” I said, surprised.

“I didn’t really do anything…”

“You talked to him. Talking about addiction isn’t easy. He clearly trusted you.”

“I guess so. It’s hard to tell.”

“What is?”

“Well, I don’t know how he feels about me. I don’t know if he likes me.”

“Everyone likes you.” I joked.

“I’m serious, Rachel.” She said. I realized my words hurt her.

“I’m sorry.”

“Is it a bad idea to date while he’s in rehab? Can I even ask him out?”

“I… I don’t know how to answer that. I don’t even know what he’s in rehab for. Generally, I think it’s a place for healing though.”

“So that’s a no.”

“Not exactly. Addiction is a disease and healing means healing relationships too. Like, building trust. You just have to remember he’s working really hard right now. He’s trying to face something that he fixated on so hard that the world disappeared. In a lot of ways, he’s redefining himself, breaking dysfunctional patterns to take back their life… I mean, his life.” I trailed off. My own words echoed off the walls of the hospital back at me.

“Wow. You know a lot about addiction.”

“Actually, I don’t. I don’t know what I’m talking about. I just think if he likes you back, he’d love to have your support. And if he doesn’t like you, you could still be a good friend.”

“You think so?”

“You can’t fix him though, Tsuki.”

“You always tell me that.” She smiled. I could hear it through the phone.

“It’s always true.”

“I should have talked to you about this so much earlier. You make things seem so easy.”

“It’s probably not gonna be easy. There are a lot of red flags that can come up. You have to acknowledge those and know when to step away. Is he nice to you? Is he nice to other people?” I asked, thinking of Tsuki’s exes.

“Oh, he’s super nice. He’s not in a gang or anything. He got addicted to Adderall because of some studying thing he started in high school. I didn’t even know you could get addicted to Adderall.”

“I mean, it’s like basically Meth.”

“Yeah, his therapist said that too.” She sighed.

“But getting help is a big step.” I encouraged.

“I just hope I’m doing enough.”

“I’m sure you are.”

“I’m watching his dog right now. Yes Harley, I’m talking about you. No… We’re not going for a walk at three in the morning.” Tsuki said away from the phone.

“Hold up, is this like a Harley Quinn, reference? You know how I feel about people romanticizing the Joker. That’s a red flag for me. Dump his ass.”

“No, no, it’s not a comic book thing, Harley was his dad’s dog. He died a few years back, and I think he was a biker or something. Bei won’t talk about it. Harley’s nice though. She doesn’t bark or anything, but… she does eat socks.”

“I think, I mean, I don’t really know if you’re asking for my advice anymore but here it is... Taking care of his dog is great. Visiting is great. Time is great. What you want to be careful of is trying to fix this problem for him or becoming the only reason he’s doing any of this. Then you’re not really helping him face his addiction, you’re just giving him a new excuse. Not only is that bad for a relationship, it’s also not really fair. Plus, you can’t fix him, right? You can’t be everything. That’s not how it works, he’s not a wounded animal.” I said. Again, my words bounced back at me.

Tsuki was quiet for a bit.

“Sorry if –” I stuttered.

“He said – oh sorry.” She said at the same time then backed off.

“No, you go.” I offered.

“Ok, sorry. Bei said he’s worried he won’t have anything to do in rehab, and since he’s taking a semester off from school, he doesn’t have any work. Is it ok if I bring him a book?”

“Absolutely! That’s perfect!”

“I was thinking… The Night Circus.”

She wanted to give Bei my favorite book.

“By the way, I have your copy around here somewhere. I’ll mail it back to you, send me your address.”

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll get another.” I smiled.

“I feel bad, though.”

“Venmo me, like, eight bucks and I’ll get a used copy. You give that one to your Bei.”

“Are you sure?”

“Hell yeah, that book should travel.”

“Rad?” She asked hesitantly.

“Rad.” I smiled.

I looked up from the wall I was leaning against and saw a tall, middle-aged, White man in a wrinkled suit crawl out of an Uber. The car drove away but he just stood there, rubbing his jaw. When he lit a cigarette, he looked just like Harmony.

“Hey, Tsuki? I gotta go.” I said, walking towards him.

“Oh, ok cool. I miss you.”

“I miss you too. I’ll call you later.”

“Please. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I said. And I meant it.

Click.

I slipped my phone into my pocket and walked over to the man. He noticed my approach and squinted at me. When I spoke, it looked like he was listening to a dream.

“Are you Harmony’s uncle?” I asked.

“Terence.”

He nodded and extended a hand.

“You must be Ray.” He said.

“You know me?”

“Only of you. From what Harmony said.”

“You two spoke?” The surprises kept coming.

“Just yesterday. Or Friday, I guess. Then the hospital called me, I took a flight as soon as I could. Kind of rough way to start a birthday, huh?” He said.

“Fuck. I totally forgot.”

“It’s ok. I’ll cover for you.” He smiled.

Their similarities were uncanny.

“I guess I better go in there, huh? Did the doctors say anything?” Terence asked, forcing a laugh.

“Uhm, no. Well, they said no surgery tonight.”

“I guess that’s a good sign.”

“I guess so…”

Terence looked at the door like he was about to walk over but didn’t move.

“Are you ok?” I asked.

“What? Yeah, I’m fine. Just. I… I’m just a shitty parent and I don’t know what to say to the human being I’m supposed to be responsible for. It’s nothing.” He grimaced.

“Just tell them you’re sorry. And then be there.”

Terence exhaled and looked at me.

I smiled.

“Easy enough. Sure. No problem.” He said and took the first few steps.

Then he turned around again as he walked.

“Harmony was right.” He called back.

“They usually are.”

He chuckled a little and stumbled through the doors.

-- 

I sat on the bench in front of El Bosque until it opened then got myself a caramel latte with as many shots of espresso as I could count. I’d been out all night, wandering.

It was around ten when I got back to the hospital. I told the clerk my name and she let me up to Harmony’s floor. The desk there said I’d been added to the list of visitors and directed me down the hall. Harmony was awake. I could see them sitting upright in bed, on a computer. A host of IVs in their arm and all sorts of pads glued to their head, which had been shaved again. They looked drained. Sick in a way I’d never imagined them.

I half-expected never to see Harmony alive again, but now that I was, I didn’t know what to say.

In front of the room, Terence was splayed across three chairs, asleep, clutching a paper water cup. I wondered what he said. Did he apologize? Was it enough?

Harmony tapped on the metal frame of their bed to get my attention. I waved sheepishly and went in.

“Hi there.” They said.

“Hey Harmony. I’m sorry…” I mumbled.

“Looks pretty grim, but I’ll be out of here in no time.” Harmony gestured around.

“Really…?”

“No, I’m kidding, the hospital will never let me leave.”

“Funny.” I rolled my eyes.

“It’s gonna be ok.”

“Is it? How would you know?”

“Intuition. I may not know what happens after I die, but I know you.”

“Don’t fuck me up with that kind of talk right now. I feel like crap as it is.”

“You can’t carry that burden. It’s not yours to bear.”

One finger restrained by a pulse reader clipped on the end, Harmony extended their hand to me. I took it. They felt so cold.

[drawing]elevatedhospitalbed[/drawing]

We didn’t speak until I noticed that it was my computer Harmony was looking at, and on it were John’s documents. Harmony had been reviewing what he’d found. I looked at the spreadsheet filled with Man’s family, watching Harmony scroll through them.

Then I noticed something odd on the right. The dates and times were noted twice. It struck me that one was for Chicago, to account for the time difference. I felt so stupid. Harmony wouldn’t have had plenty of time to save Manaia. They probably couldn’t even have made it across the ocean before he died. Could they call someone?

“Are you going to save him?” I broke the silence.

“You think I should?” Harmony answered, still scrolling slowly.

“It’s worth a try.”

“How many?” They asked.

“How many what?”

“How many lives is it worth?”

I couldn’t answer.

“I don’t know either. But… No. I think I have to let Man rest.”

“Even if you could save him?”

“Because I could. Because even if I did, I’d have to do it every time to keep him alive.”

Harmony sighed.

“Because it’s time I try something new.”

They looked at me, no fear in their eyes.

“I’m getting out of the loop. I’ve been fighting these iterations by doing the same thing over and over again. Whether it’s chasing Man’s ghost across the ocean or trying to control your life, I was actually building my own cage. I forced myself into a box where I relived the same life so many times it blurred reality. I lost track of what was real. You were right. You were right about so many things I couldn’t figure out in a hundred years. Most importantly, that I need to let go.” Harmony said.

“And that means never seeing Man again?” I asked.

“Or you.”

Fuck.

“My loop isn’t the time paradox, it’s my fixation.” They said softly. I digested the statement.

“So, we say goodbye then?”

“Not yet. You haven’t read the last page.”

Before I could retort, I heard boisterous sounds of a crowd making their way down the hall. Suddenly, Sammy’s face popped in.

“They’re over here guys!” She said over her shoulder. Harmony must’ve texted them, because I didn’t.

India, Kennan, and John soon appeared as well. Heads stacked under Sammy’s like a bad sitcom.

“Are we allowed to go in?” John asked.

“Yes.” Harmony answered.

As everyone piled into the tiny room, I could see Terence in the doorway stretching and yawning. When he saw the group gathered around Harmony, he smiled. We made eye contact and I waved him over.

“Ok everyone, meet Terence. Harmony’s uncle.” I said.

--

I had to pee.

I got up from Harmony’s bed and put on my shoes. Everyone else was gone.

When I let go of their hand, Harmony looked up from the computer, right into my eyes.

“Goodbye.” They said cheerily. They must have known.

But I didn’t. I rolled my eyes and left, barely making it to the bathroom door before it started. The smash of a monitor suddenly hitting the ground told me exactly what was happening. When I ran over, a nurse held me back from getting inside and as much as I screamed and cried, no one listened. They just dragged me away.

In my hysteria, I must’ve said some crazy things because they put me in a room and had the nurse guard me. I asked him over and over why he wasn’t saving Harmony, but he never answered.

It didn’t matter. In the moment, it felt like nothing did.

“I’m not saying goodbye!” I yelled.