I was uneasy about having Harmony over for the first time. For my first time. Sammy wasn’t though. She was cooking and cleaning as if it were her partner on the way. She’d set out three different bottles of wine to pair with our meal. I still didn’t know where she got it.

As she cooked, I tried to study. Harmony must have been over thousands of times if I tallied up each iteration. That should have eased my anxiety, but I couldn’t shake it. My stomach churned at the idea of being the most recent in a long line of predecessors.

A piece of broccoli sizzled loudly as it hit the pan, and my phone lit up. It was Harmony.

            Here.

I jumped into the elevator with another group of girls from our floor, all decked out like they were going to a party. I was still in jeans. Downstairs the group passed Harmony, each girl eyeing them as she walked by. But Harmony didn’t even notice. They adjusted their sleeves and shuffled nervously in a chair with a present under their arm. I hadn’t told Harmony to get dressed up, but they did. A white button-down and a belt was plenty. They were gorgeous.

“Are you waiting for someone?” I asked, surprising them.

“Not anymore.” Harmony answered, looking up at me from their seat. Their eyes were bloodshot.

“Shit, are you ok? Did you… Did you have another seizure?” I whispered.

“Yes. But it’s nothing to be worried about. It wasn’t bad.”

“Ok… I guess. Well, what’s in the box?”

“Oh, just an illicit beverage.” They grinned weakly.

There was a line back up the elevator, so we took the stairs. Stopping only briefly to make out.

At the top we could smell Sammy cooking. As we approached, we could hear her stomping around. I knew she was excited.

“Our guest has arrived!” I bellowed, swinging the door open.

Sammy squatted so she was shorter than us and waddled over, using her best Kennan impression.

“What’s up! Welcome to show, Ukulele Mustache is about to start their set, there’s a tip jar in the corner for the band and beer in the kitchen. Merch is… At the merch… Place…” She tried; her voice was almost a perfect imitation.

I lost it. Guffawing instantly.

Sammy couldn’t keep it together and fell apart as well.

Harmony giggled, but I could tell it was forced. Which hurt. Another repeat.

“It smells wonderful, Sammy. I brought a bottle of wine; it should be particularly suited to your tastes.” They said as the laughter died. Sammy’s eyes lit up as Harmony extended the package.

“For real? It’s too much… but I accept.” She snatched it away and produced some glasses.

Harmony winked at me. They walked into the kitchen, silently turned down one of the burners, and walked back.

“What are you two making?” Harmony asked, obviously already aware.

“Gnocchi! I’m grilling some squash and broccoli too. It should all be done pretty soon here. Which is good ‘cause I’m fucking starving…” Sammy rolled her eyes back and popped the cork off the bottle.

Sammy and Harmony talked wine and school as we waited for dinner. I kept relatively quiet, focusing instead on Harmony’s lips. Hoping to catch them mouthing Sammy’s words. They did, regularly tracing the end of her sentences then responding with near perfection. Harmony caught every joke Sammy was making, encouraged her at each turn, and faked surprise at each ending. It felt hollow when I knew what to look for.

Suddenly Sammy stood up in a panic.

“Fuck me, I think I just burned the squash.”

She rushed over to the stove to find the vegetables only simmering, specifically because Harmony had turned it down earlier. She seemed confused.

“That’s weird. Ok y’all, dinner’s ready!” She said. Harmony sipped their wine nonchalantly.

I was angry. And frustrated at being angry. Harmony hadn’t done anything wrong, but I felt so impotent.

It wasn’t their fault they’d already lived through the event. But Sammy and I hadn’t. And because Harmony had and we hadn’t, they had all the power. They got to decide what they wanted to alter. I had no effect on Harmony’s life, which made me fear I had no effect on my own.

What was Harmony actually doing? They were reliving the same exact moments again and again. On purpose. Or hoping for a different result. I thought I’d altered Harmony’s timeline substantially, but if after everything they still ended up in my dorm on gnocchi night, nothing had changed. Nothing of consequence.

Was I really just a witness?

“May I serve myself, Sammy?” Harmony asked.

“Hell yeah, that’s what dinner’s ready means!”

“Thank you, Sammy. I love you.” I squeezed her around the waist.

--

“This is the first time I’ve been in your room, isn’t it?” Harmony asked. We’d just finished doing the dishes after Sammy headed out to meet up with India.

“Mhm. Yeah, it is.” I said.

“It feels different.” Harmony turned around in circles in the middle of the room, taking it in.

“Does it?”

“That chair is usually in the corner…” Harmony said. They pointed to my desk chair, which I’d recently moved when packing for the trip to Cincinnati.

I sighed.

“What’s wrong, Ray? You’ve been ill at ease all evening.”

“I’m still thinking about our conversation last night. And I’m having a hard time.”

“May I sit?”

“Yeah sure, let’s sit.”

“Tell me more. What do you mean?” Harmony asked.

“What am I doing here? Why are we together?”

“I assume that you’re here because you have romantic feelings for me. I hope so anyway.”

“I do. I like you a lot. And I love you. And I care about you.”

“I like, love, and care about you too.”

“But you felt that way before I’d ever met you. You said yourself that you can’t remember the first time we met.”

“That’s true. I can’t.”

“So why do this again and again and again? What are you getting out of this? How many gnocchi nights have you been to?”

“It makes me happy… And I thought it would make you happy too.”

“It… does. It does actually. But it’s also frustrating.”

“Am I hurting you?”

“No, not on purpose. But, like, this has been the craziest month of my life. So much has happened. We fucking drove to another state. But… We still ended up here together eating dinner, having conversations you’ve already had. Doesn’t that bother you?”

“My existence is comprised entirely of the feeling you’re describing.”

“Don’t you want something to change? Something different?”

“More than I can express.”

“So why are we doing this?”

“I’m beginning to feel like you don’t want to be doing this.” Harmony said.

“I DO! But I want to feel like it means something!”

Harmony didn’t answer. They didn’t look at me. They simply inhaled and fell backwards onto the bed.

“Harmony?” I asked, suddenly worried I’d pushed too hard.

“I’m fine. Except for the pain I feel trapped in an existence where I mean nothing, I understand, vividly. I know what it’s like to do everything in your power to escape the path you’re bound to, only to see it appear once again.”

“I know you do…”

“What’s next then?” Harmony asked.

“You’re asking me?”

“I am. You can decide anything. Make it mean something. Take the reins for a minute. I don’t know this conversation, so I don’t know where you’ll lead us.”

“Ok…” I gulped.

Harmony lay still but opened their hand beside me. I took it.

“Shit, this is hard.” I said, laughing dryly.

“I know, take your time. I’m in no hurry.”

“I am though.”

“What do you mean?” Harmony asked, surprised.

“You’re gonna die.” The certainty of my own voice frightened me.

“I won’t actually die though. My consciousness moves on to the next iteration. I’ll see you again.”

“Yeah, but I won’t see you. Not me, me. In this life, you’ll die… and you’ll never come back.”

“I… I apologize. I lose track sometimes that the world goes on. For me, you just forget, and I get to meet you again. But… You don’t want to watch me die.” Harmony said sadly.

“I do. I want to. I mean, I don’t want you to die, but I want to be there. It’s the least I can do.”

“When I see you again, I’ll thank you.” Harmony said. That put a thought in my head.

“What if you didn’t?”

“Didn’t thank you? Or didn’t come back? If I knew how, I’d have done that already…”

“No, what if you didn’t meet me again? On purpose. What if you didn’t do anything you’d done before?”

“That sounds scary. Full of uncertainty. What would I accomplish?”

“Anything you want. That’s what life’s like.”

“Is it? Nothing I do will matter, just as it didn’t before.”

“But maybe you’ll learn something. By letting go of what’s comfortable and doing something new, maybe you’ll find something you didn’t know was there.”

“This is all rather abstract and cryptic.”

“I don’t even want to get into how ironic that is coming from you.”

“A fair criticism. So, I must leave Chicago behind?”

“I can’t tell you what to do, but I think you should try it. No more performing the same life over and over. No more fixing everything or wrapping yourself in it so tightly that you’re the only one who can. India and Kennan’s parties included.”

“And Lucas? If I don’t… people get hurt.” Harmony countered.

“Maybe it’s a bad example… But the way things are, you feel compelled to fix everything. And now you can’t create a substantially different iteration because you feel like… you owe something to these people. Simply because you’ve seen it before.” I explained. They took in my words with a twisted brow. That seemed like a positive sign.

“What’s the alternative?”

“I… I’m not sure. I don’t think there’s an easy one. Maybe going to the parties or meeting Lucas isn’t wrong. But I think you need to be intentionally putting yourself in positions where you don’t know what’s going to happen. With people you don’t already know.”

“That sounds intentionally counterproductive, I won’t be able to fix any of the problems I know exist, and yet I already feel responsible.”

“You can trust other people to fix problems too.” I suggested.

“That’s painful to watch.”

“Sometimes it is, but sometimes it’s also beautiful. And, no watching! Just… Trust. People all around the world are solving and creating their own problems every day. I think you need to manage your own problems, and not fix everyone else’s. At least not by reliving them again and again.”

Harmony almost protested.

“What?” I asked. They relaxed.

“Like Fatima? At the hotel?”

“Yeah… Like that. We didn’t solve her problem. I’m sure she’s got a lot of work to do with her kid, still. But maybe we helped. Maybe she helped us. But no matter what, we have to let it go and move on.” I shrugged and Harmony sighed.

“You believe this will help me break out of the loop?”

“That, uh… That I don’t know.”

Harmony looked a bit disappointed and didn’t respond.

“But perfecting the loop isn’t doing anything. You once told me you wanted to alter your path, to fight your own complacency. This is how.” I said.

“I did say that. And I should be doing that, you’re right. But I really don’t want to. I thought telling you everything… I thought that was a deviation. That it was far from my usual path. That it would fix our relationship.”

“I dunno… Wait.”

It was my turn to be confused.

“Fuck, wait a sec, did you tell me about the time loop to try and fix things? So that it wouldn’t later ruin our relationship? You told me you wanted my help inside your loop, to maybe one day get out. Did you lie to me, Harmony? Was this all a bunch of manipulative bullshit to get me to stay with you? Are you playing god with my life to have your perfect little girlfriend? Your fucking pet?”

“I’m trying to help! I’m trying to make your life better, to… To fix things! I’m doing this for you!” Harmony pleaded.

“No, you’re not!” I yelled, tears forming.

Harmony sat up abruptly.

“You’re doing it for you.” I said.

They let go of my hand and walked to the window.

“This isn’t for me… You haven’t even thought about what happens after you’re gone. What happens to me, who loves you. Sammy, India, Kennan, John… Professor Vitelli… You fix our lives by being there, not by solving our problems. When you leave… Fuck. Harmony. When you leave…” I cried.

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want your… Sorries. I want you to get out of this fucking loop. I want you to wake up in the morning wondering what the weather’s gonna be like. I want you to buy a blank sketchbook and finish it, then start a new one. I want you to meet someone and forget their name and have to ask like three times before you’re too embarrassed to admit you forgot it again. You can’t just keep fixing everything, that’s not gonna get you out of the loop!”

Harmony sniffled quietly.

“I love my mistakes. I can’t cough out a single sentence without tripping up, but that’s ok. That’s me. I don’t want everything fixed.” I said.

“Does that not make you anxious? Knowing you’re making mistakes?” Harmony asked.

“Actually… Yeah. The world is pretty fucking stressful. All the time. But you don’t have to be everywhere. You take it slow. Go see a therapist, get some anxiety medication if it gets bad, or smoke some weed if that helps. Take it one day at a time. You learn to live with it.” I laughed a little.

“That sounds difficult. Uncomfortable.”

“Oh, it is, and it sucks… But it’s human.”

Harmony sighed and wiped their eyes.

As they turned around and sat back on the bed, I opened my arms, silently offering a hug. They didn’t take it.

“Can I think about this? Not that you’re offering anything, or that there’s an answer pending, simply that I would like to think about what you’ve said.”

“Uh, yeah, sure. Just let me know.”

“Thank you. I apologize. I’ll see you soon.” Harmony tried to smile.

Without making eye contact, they stood from their seat and bowed quickly. Before I realized what Harmony was doing, they left.