Fatima had prepared a to-go basket of breakfast food, waiting at the front desk. It may have been for both us, but I ate most of it. Harmony only nibbled a croissant as they drove.

“Have you seen Free Willy?” I asked abruptly, still thinking of the shark tank.

“I have, actually.”

“I wonder if they ever freed him. Like the actual whale.”

“They did, but he died of pneumonia shortly afterward.” Harmony said.

“WHAT? Why do you know that?”

“I… Actually, I don’t know. I feel like someone told me once, but I can’t remember who.”

A text post on Instagram took me by surprise. White letters on a black background. It was India’s.

He’s heading east. If you’re on campus above Main Street head north otherwise go east towards the highway. Stay Safe. If you can’t move lock your doors and turn the lights off. If you see cops keep your hands up and open.

            #ChicagoShooter

What the fuck.

I jumped out of Instagram and onto Facebook. Someone from class had posted a map of campus with red dots scattered on it. It said Shooter Sightings, and bore the same hashtag. I jumped out of Facebook and hit the news app. It lagged. I stared at the white screen desperately, willing it to load, but it refused.

Harmony gripped the steering wheel with both hands, knuckles white.

“What’s going on…?” I asked.

“From your reaction, I suspect there’s a shooter on campus.”

“Like a school shooting?”

“Yes.”

“Wait a second… You KNEW? This whole time? And what, you just took me to Cincinnati instead of doing something about it? Like… I don’t even…” I struggled to finish my sentence.

“Can you tell me if anyone’s been injured yet?”

“Why don’t you fuckin’ tell me?” I said. Furious.

Harmony didn’t answer.

My heart pounded against my lungs. How could they do nothing? Surely, they’d had the opportunity to, somewhere in their hundreds of lives. Unless they had some sadistic reason to let people get murdered. That wasn’t like Harmony, though. They’d bent over backwards to try and fix India and Kennan’s situation with the cornholers. I couldn’t imagine they’d be ok with a school shooter running rampant.

Why was I so angry then? Harmony pulled into a rest area.

“Let’s talk about this.” They said.

“Go first.” I said abruptly. Harmony laid back against the headrest with their hands in their lap.

“Alright. His name is Lucas Hawthorn. He’s sixteen years old, from rural Idaho, and it’s his first year in college. He’s young, too young might be subjective, but given the evidence… Too young. His parents want him to thrive, so they send him to school, to become the good, successful, Christian boy they’d always dreamed of. But he finds a gun hidden under a fence a week in. He keeps it because he thinks it’s cool. He plays with it every night, standing in the mirror, alone. A week later he’s in the chemistry lab when a classmate, a guy, comes up to ask if he wants to hang out later. Asks him out on a date… to a Thai restaurant. Lucas has never talked to a gay person before in his life. They’re sinners. They’re evil. But this guy seems nice. Lucas says no.”

Harmony didn’t move, they just kept talking.

“On the night of, he gets dressed up anyway. He goes to the restaurant by himself, and he waits. Eventually, when no one comes, he goes inside. He asks for a table for two. Still, no one comes. He orders two meals and watches them get cold in front of him. The waitress asks if he wants a box and he bursts into tears, running into the bathroom to hide. When he comes out again, the guy is there. But he isn’t alone. He’s at another table with another guy. Someone else from his chemistry class.”

I didn’t move, as if I was hiding as well, waiting.

“Lucas goes home, without paying, without picking up his jacket from the chair, only half-aware of the absurdity of his actions. He said no, but he meant yes. And god didn’t listen. He locks himself in his room. He skips all his classes, he doesn’t answer the phone when his parents call, and he just waits. In the silence of his room, with his gun. He doesn’t come out until today. Emaciated, practically incoherent, and he goes back to the chem lab. It’s Sunday. Only sinners wouldn’t be in church on a Sunday. Sinners like himself. So, he brings the gun.”

My heart clenched painfully, imagining what happened next.

“Even in my earliest memories I can’t remember a time where I didn’t do anything. But I didn’t always know this whole story.” Harmony said.

“Why didn’t you stop it this time?” I asked.

“I’ve tried to fix Lucas Hawthorn so many times in so many ways, but I can’t. Something always breaks.”

“What? Stop being so cryptic! What the hell is happening?”

“Unless we’ve altered this iteration too drastically, he will have fired six blanks into the chemistry lab. Three into an adjacent one, and then run. When the police catch him, he’ll try to shoot himself, the blank still explosive enough to rupture his skull. But he survives.”

“Fuck. Wait, is Sammy ok?” I panicked, my breath sucked out of my lungs.

“She’s never been there, it’s not her class.”

“Ok…”

Harmony exhaled like they’d just held their breath for a month.

“Does anyone else get hurt?” I asked.

“The lab monitor gets bruised on the shoulder from another close-range blank, and most of the individuals involved are traumatized, I’m sure, but no one dies.”

“Holy… You’re sure?”

“No. I should check. This iteration has surprised me before.” Harmony pulled out their phone and flipped through pages until they found what they were looking for.

“What? What’s it say?” I asked impatiently.

“One injured. No deaths. Shooter critical, but in custody.”

“Jeez… Holy shit. I’m sorry for yelling at you.”

“It’s alright. The number of times I’ve messed this up, and only made it worse… I deserve it.”

“Harmony, that’s not true…”

“I did still prioritize you above everyone else. If something had changed this iteration, I wouldn’t have been there to do anything, because I wanted to take you away.” Harmony said.

“So, it is why you wanted to go on a road trip?”

“Is that wrong?” They asked.

“Well, I wish you’d told me.”

“Would you have come?”

“Probably. I don’t know.”

“What if I told you, I wasn’t one-hundred percent sure it would work?” Harmony asked.

“You weren’t?”

“It doesn’t always. There are so many ways it can go awry. If Lucas finds the gun, but discovers the bullets are blanks, he looks for another weapon. If he faces his parents before the shooting, he kills them. If someone sees me changing out the bullets, they might find the gun before him. If he doesn’t have a gun, he usually commits suicide in his room. Or in jail. I’ve tried to craft the perfect course of events such that no one else is injured, and no one dies. But it’s extremely delicate. And yet, I’m never one-hundred percent sure it will work”

“You do this… every time?”

“Yes. Though usually you aren’t aware that it’s my doing.”

“Have you talked to him? Lucas?”

“Often. I’ve even sat across from him in the Thai restaurant. It’s why I know the story so well, but I don’t know what happens next.”

“Like after the hospital?”

“I know he survives, but… eventually my iteration ends. I’ve never seen him recover. If he recovers. In that sense, I don’t actually know whether my approach is ultimately successful. It might be that he tries it again and succeeds when I’m not there. I hope that doesn’t happen. Or maybe I just can’t bare the guilt of watching it happen, so I die first.” They shrugged.

“That’s not your fault.”

“Didn’t you just yell at me for not trying?”

“I mean, kind of. I was mad ‘cause I thought you just let someone murder a bunch of people. But you didn’t.”

“People are dying in Palestine right now, and I’m letting them get murdered.” Harmony said flatly.

“Could you stop it?”

“Maybe. I could try. I haven’t though. Maybe I’m not doing enough.”

“I know that people are dying there, and I’m not doing everything I can to stop it either. It doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

“That’s true. It’s different for you though.”

“Not really. I think you’re putting too much on your shoulders. This kid didn’t try to kill people because of you.”

“But I’m the only reason he doesn’t.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you did something, but, like, you can’t stop every bad thing from ever happening.”

Harmony mouthed the last few words I said as they came out of my mouth.

“Seems like you’ve heard me say that before.” I said, a little peeved.

“I find it difficult to know what bad things I’m supposed to stop and what things I can let go.”

“You have to prioritize. Not just between different bad things that are happening, but good things too. I’m glad you came and spent the weekend with me. I know you could have waited outside this kid’s house instead, but you decided that it was more important to do this. You’re already making those choices.”

“Isn’t it selfish?”

“Yeah, it is, but that’s ok.” I reached across the gearshift.

Harmony jumped.

“Sorry. Can I hold your hand?” I asked.

“Ok.”

“I think you should try and fix less. I know it’s hard when you see so much, but you’re not giving yourself a chance to live. I can’t help but imagine what you could do if…” I trailed off, realizing where I was going.

“If I didn’t always die?”

I nodded.

--

Okaasan called.

I told her I was on the way back from Cincinnati, but she barely noticed past the moment I told her I wasn’t in Chicago. She told me to call more often and hung up. 

I missed Hebrew and Charlie.