It was five forty-five AM, and my body would not go back to sleep. On a Sunday. Harmony and I had stayed up too late the night before and for some reason I’d insisted on coming back to my dorm. Reaching across my small empty bed, I wished I’d stayed with them.

I finally got up and went to the kitchen to refill my glass of water. Sammy was already awake, standing in the kitchen, drinking coffee, and watching me lumber past her with amusement.

“Hey, girl.” Sammy said cheerily.

I didn’t respond, hoping not to ruin any potential sleep I might achieve later. Sammy waved a hand in front of my face to make sure my eyes were open and I wasn’t sleepwalking. I giggled and felt my chances of sleep escape. Dammit. I groaned and flopped face first over an arm of the couch.

“Looks like you two were up late. Is Harmony… Here?” Sammy asked

“No…”

“What are you doing awake then?”

“I’m exercising, can’t you tell?” I mumbled into the couch, face deep in a pillow, not moving a muscle.

“Very impressive. You should come with me sometime. There’s a bunch of fun stuff at the gym. Monkey bars, trampolines, there’s a foam pit. It’s in the northside athlete’s gym, but I have access and can bring a guest.”

It sounded fun. Better than any gym class in high school, but the thought of other people seeing me in the gym horrified me. I’d have to wear revealing clothing, I’d get sweaty and gross, I’d be bad at any task in front of me. Why would I subject myself to physical pain, exhaustion, and humiliation?

I sighed.

“Ok.” I decided impulsively.

“Wait, really?” Sammy’s face showed her enthusiasm. She wanted to share something she loved with me.

“Coffee, then excitement.” I warned and walked to the kitchen to get a mug.

Sammy dropped her bag and sat down, sipping her coffee slowly as I looked for anything remotely athletic to wear. I wasn’t totally sure why I accepted Sammy’s offer, but I had. I owned some shorts for sure, and a sports bra existed somewhere in my closet, I just needed to find it.

I wouldn’t have described myself as out of shape. I’d been the same shape my entire life. I looked like a slightly larger version of myself as an infant. Either I never lost my baby fat, or I was born with adult fat. It didn’t bother me most of the time, I was healthy, I could do the things I liked. Sports never appealed to me. I knew how bad it was to perceive thinner bodies as in shape, but it was difficult not to internalize everything that I saw on Instagram. Whatever. After four years of Tsuki, who emulated stereotypical Japanese schoolgirls down to the miniskirt, I knew bodies were just built differently. As gorgeous as she was, I didn’t resent her; I’d simply never look like her.

Sammy was much easier to be with. She was just as beautiful, but no one else looked like her, and no one could expect me to. I knew at the barest glance that even her bone structure was fundamentally different from mine. And Sammy worked every day to build the body she desired.

When I finally emerged in sports-worthy clothing, Sammy was at maximum excitement. She’d previously accepted that her rigorous workout schedule was not my style, but I realized I was giving her false hope.

“This is a special occasion, ok? Sammy? It might never happen again. And no one gets to know I’m even, like, alive at this hour.” I said forcefully.

“Deal!” Sammy handed me a full bottle of ice-cold water.

[drawing]treadmill[/drawing]

-- 

I picked a treadmill close to the wall, farthest from everyone in the gym. Sammy joined me on an adjacent one. Her frame blocked my vision of the other treadmills. She stretched first and I followed suit, repeating her various movements. She flashed a big grin my way and started running at a brisk pace. I hadn’t even turned my treadmill on yet.

I fiddled nervously with the buttons on the control panel. I wanted to look to Sammy for support but feared she would judge me, so I averted my eyes and got up onto the machine alone. She wouldn’t. She was always supportive of me deciding not to go to the gym and had never pressured me into going. Somehow, I still felt silly. What was one day of running going to do anyway?

Sammy was completely oblivious to my thoughts, jamming out to whatever she was listening to.

I put my water in the cupholder and set the speed to a slow walk. In my headphones, Queen told me to break free, and my feet obeyed. Without changing the speed, I started to pick them up a bit higher to run. It wasn’t too bad actually, I was moving. There was a little red dot on the screen in front of me starting to make its way around a virtual track. I wasn’t even sweaty.

Then I got sweaty. Fast.

My feet hurt. My ankles hurt. My calves hurt. My chest hurt. Even my arms hurt, why did my arms hurt?

I couldn’t breathe.

My vision blurred so I hit pause quickly and the treadmill slowed to a stop. I leaned forward and stabilized for a bit, glancing at Sammy and then the rest of the gym to see if anyone noticed. There were two people who could see me and neither of them were even facing my direction. Sammy was drumming in the air and running so fast I could feel the breeze. I inhaled, took a small sip of water, and turned the machine back on. A little slower.

Sammy ran every day, or something like it, for hours, while my little dot had only rounded the first corner. But I felt accomplished. The song changed, a bit abruptly, but the beat was similar, so I started to match the rhythm a little with my running. That helped. One foot followed the other. I nearly tripped before realizing I couldn’t keep looking straight down.

I found the rhythm with my hands. Once each limb was in tune, my breathing matched my body. I didn’t even notice the next song come on. Or the next. I was running. My pants and arms felt wet, and my hair was slapping me a little bit, but I was running! My mind started to wander. My next projects. What did I still need to do before critique?

Eventually Sammy pointed to some rowing machines and motioned that she was going over there, I nodded and turned back around. I ran longer than Sammy. That felt like an accomplishment too.

By the time I stopped, the pain around my calves had crept into my thighs. My lungs were thrumming so hard they squeezed my heart. When I stepped off the machine the floor felt weird, like it was moving beneath me. Walking felt easy though. Effortless. I felt strong.

I meandered a bit, drinking my water, before I found Sammy lying on the ground performing a complicated twisting motion with some weights scattered around her. She stood immediately.

“That was awesome! You ran for so long! I usually get bored and want to lift, but I should be doing more cardio.” Sammy rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, thanks, I guess. It was ok… It’s still kind of hard to breath.”

“Take your time and walk a bit. Don’t sit, you gotta get that lactic acid out and cooldown. After that you wanna try lifting?”

“Can you show me what to do? Like with the machine?” I asked, walking back and forth in front of her.

“Sure! It’s super easy. Plus, no one’s here right now so you don’t have to wait for any machines. If you look on the side, there’s a little figure that shows you how to sit and what you do. Start off with just a few kilos, do some reps, see how it feels… Repetitions.” Sammy smiled, knowing I would ask.

I felt dumb for wondering, but less dumb not having to ask. I knew what reps were, I had just forgotten.

The weight machines were practically empty. There was one guy way over on the other end of the room, but he wasn’t paying attention. Once I sat down, I couldn’t see him. The diagram put my legs in an awkward position and leaned my chest over a bar. I set the machine to ten kilos and started to lift. It was actually more of pulling motion. Sammy gave me the thumbs up from across the room.

Lifting was sort of boring.

I sat on Instagram for the last hour of Sammy’s workout, which was fine because the place started to fill up. We got smoothies on the way out. All the girls in the smoothie shop knew Sammy immediately as she walked in. It looked kind of like flirting, but Sammy didn’t act any different.

“Have you talked to any of those girls?” I asked once we were out of earshot.

“The smoothie girls? You mean like talked, talked? No, I couldn’t, that would be weird.”

“Would it? They all seem to like you and they’re all pretty cute.”

“They’re nice to everyone, it’s their job.” Sammy shrugged.

“You’re right, don’t be creepy, but I’m just saying… Nobody is that nice to me when I get smoothies.”

“If I saw any of them outside of work maybe I’d say hi, but do you know how hard it is to talk to girls? I’m gay AND Black. Or half-Black, It’s a construct anyway. Black enough to where I need to get over those stereotypes before I introduce new ones. It’s not an easy conversation. No one assumes I’m gay, so I have to actually tell people I’m flirting with them. It kinda fucks things up sometimes. I can’t just go ‘Hi, I’m Sammy and to make my intentions clear I hope we sleep together and pursue a romantic relationship until you get bored and go back to men.’”  She sighed in exasperation. I must have hit a vein.

“I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

“It’s ok. Dating is just fucked sometimes. I love being Black, and I love being gay, but dating… Bleh.”

“I wish I had any advice, but I’ve never dated a girl. Harmony’s the first partner I’ve had that’s, like, different from my string of disappointing White boys. Be glad you didn’t grow up in Getson.”

“How is that, by the way? Everything good?” Sammy asked.

“Harmony? Yeah, no, yeah, it’s great.”

“I’m glad. They seem cool, maybe a little aloof, but nice.”

“Actually, I wouldn’t quite describe them as aloof. Harmony’s really intense sometimes, and attentive. They care about me a lot. Actually, I think I’m the one that’s not good enough.”

“WHAT? Girl, you’re perfect. What are you talking about?”

“Well… I dunno… Harmony’s so smart. So talented. And legit I think they’re in love with me. The way they listen to every word I say…”

“Ok, just ‘cause your string of disappointing White boys haven’t amounted to much doesn’t mean you’re not good enough for Harmony.”

“I guess you’re right. Maybe it’s that I want to be as great as Harmony thinks I am.”

“That’s not a bad thing, necessarily. Unless they’re putting you on a pedestal, having a partner who motivates you to be better can be good. They’re not manipulative about it, are they? Cause that’s different.”

“Oh no, the opposite. They give me all the room I need. The pressure comes from me. I feel like I should be better.”

“Is this a sex thing? From when they went down on you, but didn’t feel up to it themselves?”

“No, no, not really. I mean, kinda. I don’t know. Is it bad that I’m still thinking about it?”

“Girl, sex is always weird. Part of it is that you’re used to penises.” Sammy laughed a bit to herself.

“Penises.” I laughed too.

“Penises are funny, sorry, but I’m serious. Your whole life you’ve been shown one version of sex. Arguably a boring, straight, penis-centric version of the story. You’re now learning about other kinds of sex and that’s just gonna be weird. I bet you thought all vaginas looked like yours? Surprise bitch, not at all. Think of it like a videogame. You’re learning new things, leveling up skills you didn’t even know you had.” Sammy winked.

“What kind of videogames do you think I play?” I giggled.

“I don’t even want to know sometimes. I know I’m joking a lot, but I care about being sex positive.”

“I know. Thank you.”

“Just listen to what Harmony tells you. And don’t be afraid to ask.”

“Your pep talks are so good, Sammy”

“When it comes to anything even slightly gay, I am all in.”