I sat by myself in the auditorium after art history. Harmony hadn’t shown.

Of course, I hadn’t heard from them either. I’d spent the week rotating between my favorite library booth and the drawing studio in case they wanted to find me, but they didn’t. A package from my uncle had, though. John’s brand-new hand-blown tube for his amp.

I pulled out my phone to text him the good news, and the seat beside me creaked.

“Do you have time to talk?” Harmony asked.

“AHH!” I yelped.

“Hi Ray.”

“Fuck. Um, hi. Talking, now?” I barely managed. Harmony looked around; everyone had already left.

“Unless another time is better?”

“No, now is good. Now is good.” I put down my phone mid-message and crossed my legs.

“First, how are you? Have you been eating? Are classes ok?”

“I’m good. Yeah, classes are fine. Nothing interesting. You know. Are we breaking up?” I asked suddenly.

“What?”

“I feel like we’re breaking up, and I feel like it’s my fault because I said you needed to stop doing things you already know, and then you didn’t like that, but I kept pushing, and then you left and you didn’t talk to me, but now you’re here, and you look like you’re about to break up with me which doesn’t make any sense if I already –” I rambled.

“I’m not breaking up with you.”

“Shit. You’re not… I mean, great! Rad. R… Radical. God, I’m so bad at this.” I said, catching my breath.

“I’m sorry that the space I asked for was… Painful. Saturday was a hard conversation to hear.”

“It was hard for me too.”

“A lot of what you’re saying is difficult to accept. It’s difficult to look at a life that I know, a life that is comfortable, and turn away. But I think this is precisely your point. Being comfortable in and of itself is not a good enough reason to choose a life, especially one that ends so reliably in disaster.”

“Ok. What does that mean? Like, what are you going to do?”

“I’m gonna take your advice. I’m going to leave Chicago behind.”

“Right now?” I panicked.

“No, not immediately. But at the end of this iteration, yes.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” I decided.

“That means you and I will never date again. When I die, it will be our last goodbye.”

My heart clenched for every future Rachel that would never meet Harmony. I was it. Then it clenched again at the reminder that Harmony was going to die.

“But I hope we can still spend the rest of this iteration together. At least my piece of it.” Harmony said.

“That would make me happy.”

Harmony extended their hands over the armrest between us, and I put mine inside.

“Maybe one day, somehow… When you aren’t controlling every aspect of your life… you and I could really build something. Something that matters.” I said.

“I look forward to that, despite knowing I’ll have to forget this feeling to get there.”

“I’ll remind you.” I smiled.

“Something you said Saturday night resonated with me.” Harmony said, changing the tone of the conversation.

“Good, ‘cause I’m pretty sure I was talking out of my ass the whole time.” I laughed nervously.

“You made some excellent points, and your reproaches were well founded, but in particular you mentioned this might actually help me escape the loop.”

“I did?”

“You said that if I never use an iteration to relive a life I’ve already lived, eventually, out of sheer quantum probability, I will discover the source of the loop.”

“That sounds just like me.”

“I’m extrapolating a bit. You’re right that I never do anything new. And because of that, I can’t possibly discover anything new. It’s only through purposeful deviation and new experiences that I can even hope to stumble on useful information. That means I need get out of Chicago to get out of the loop.”

“So, basically you’re on a quest!”

“Yes. Precisely.”

“You’re gonna live random lives doing random things until you find a clue.”

“An infinite improbability drive. I’ll get there eventually.” Harmony grinned.

“Douglas Adams would be proud.”

“I pretend that this life I’ve created in Chicago is comfortable, but I’m lying to myself. The comfort is an illusion. I’m gripping the steering wheel so tightly my knuckles are numb. Every second I have to perform perfectly or upset the delicate construction I’ve laid out. The amount of pressure I induce within myself is unreal. In many ways, it’s no wonder my body gives up and my mind begins anew.”

“Your quest won’t be that way. But get ready to make a lot of mistakes.” I encouraged.

“I’m excited. I’m unbelievably nervous, but excited.”

I felt like a young parent, waving to their child on the first day of school.

--

I texted Sammy.

            Talked to H. I wrote.

            Meet me at the grocery store and we can talk about it? She answered right away.

Every week seemed to get colder. I’d often been told how frigid the Chicago winters would be, and though I brushed it off at the time, I wish I hadn’t. No number of jackets could save me from the wind.

[drawing]neonsilhouette[/drawing]

Cars sped past, pulling into the grocery store ahead. It was illuminated in its usual neon hue, warping around Sammy’s imposing figure by the front door. Haloing her from the darkness. I stopped and watched for a second. If I was a painter, I’d have painted it.

“Hey girl, how you feeling? You said you saw Harmony?” She asked, walking through the wind effortlessly.

“Yeah, turns out we’re still together.”

“That’s awesome! Right?”

“Yeah. Yes. Definitely… It’s complicated.” I said morosely.

“Should I ask?”

“I wish I could tell you. I just… I don’t feel like I can share Harmony’s personal stuff.”

“You can talk to me about how it makes you feel though.”

“You’re right. Let’s talk later though, I can’t feel my legs.”

“Oh shit. Ok, I know what to do.”

Sammy suddenly grabbed me under the arms in the way one does a baby. She lifted me off the ground, and swung me over the edge of a nearby cart to put me inside. I was so surprised I just slumped into it with my bag and let her push us off into the store. I didn’t even laugh until I saw the look on the clerk’s face.

We wheeled into the produce section and Sammy started collecting her usual assortment of fruit. Protein shake material. She initially parked me in front of an island, but I pushed myself around to the next, roaming. I wanted to fondle the kiwis, so I swung over to the roll of bags and fashioned myself a plastic glove, then began fondling.

“You good, Rachel?” Sammy asked, eyeing me curiously.

“Yeah, just thinking.” I answered aimlessly.

“Alright.”

She motioned letting me down and I nodded. I was limp in her thick arms.

“Did you want a kiwi?” She asked once I was on my own two feet again.

“Kind of. I don’t know. I just wanted to touch them.”

“I’ll buy you one, pick it out.”

“No… I already have bananas at home, thanks though.” I sighed.

“Since there’s some stuff you can’t talk about, this is my way of comforting you. A surrogate kiwi.”

I tried to smile, but Sammy had already disappeared with the cart. The kiwis were beautiful all piled up together. Somehow, because I knew they were green on the inside, they looked green on the outside.

I spent some time feeling each one through my makeshift glove until I found the most perfect, most round, most firm, yet most supple kiwi. I contemplated it, then set it aside. Instead, I took one that was a little too soft, with a slight grey spot. It probably would have gotten thrown out the next morning, and the chances of someone claiming it before then were slim. But I could still eat it. The perfect one would go to someone else, someone who needed it.

After turning my bag inside out over my chosen kiwi, I carried it to Sammy. She was perusing the meat section, collecting steak that was on sale. I snuck up behind her and put my precious kiwi in the top-most basket. She smiled at me and pushed the cart on.

We gathered pasta, ice-cream and pizza rolls, eggs, butter, and eventually made it to the alcohol. Sammy opened her arms gesturing for me to pick something. I pointed to a bottle of red to go with her steaks and waited for the prestige. She just put it in the cart with everything else.

Was she going to pretend she was twenty-one?

Sammy walked past a couple line-less registers until she saw who she was looking for. A short, messy-haired, ginger kid with acne so thick he looked like he might be in pain.

“What’s good Ted, my dude, how you been?” She said, extending a hand.

“Hey Sammy, how’s college?” He took the handshake with a level of street confidence I couldn’t imagine.

“Too much fuckin’ reading.”

“Still doin’ chemistry?” He asked.

“Oh yeah, you’d like orgo.”

“I know I’d like it; I just hate school.”

“Sure, sure. You still running?”

“Always. Are you?”

“Sometimes. I’ll be at the winter five-k.” She shrugged.

“You’re gonna lose again.”

“Oh, is that a challenge?” Sammy sneered playfully.

“Not for me.” He smirked.

“Excuse me, what was that?”

Ted laughed. As he did, some tattoos on his neck revealed themselves from under his collar. Suddenly he was more than just a grocery store clerk. He was sort of adorable. Like Kennan, but more athletic and less ironic.

He rang up the wine, which beeped on his computer. Then seamlessly pulled out his own ID and swiped it on the reader. Sammy winked at me. Ted noticed and cocked his head. I blushed hard.

“Don’t narc on me, kid.” He said.

“I, no, I’m not, I won’t.”

“It’s chill. Sammy’s gold, if she thinks you’re cool, you’re cool.”

“This is Rachel. Rachel, Ted. Ted, Rachel. She’s my roommate.” Sammy explained.

“Dope. Maybe I’ll see you around.” Ted said.

“Rad, thanks.” I failed to respond appropriately.

“We gotta roll, but it’s good to see you.” Sammy cut in, saving me.

“Aight, word. See ya.”

Sammy grabbed all the bags off the counter and walked off, conveniently leaving behind only my Kiwi.

I pocketed it and hurried out after her.

[drawing]kiwi[/drawing]

“Who’s Ted?” I inquired as soon as the doors had closed behind us.

“Who’s Ted huh? He’s pretty cute I guess.” She answered.

“Not like that.” I rolled my eyes.

“He’s my plug. Weed, alcohol, I dunno if he sells anything else.”

“Oh. Cool. I need a Ted.”

“You smoke weed?” Sammy asked, incredulous.

“No. But I could.”

“You could. I don’t, ‘cause of basketball and everything, but I can hook you up if you want?”

“Maybe. I’m just fantasizing.”

“About Ted?”

“Kind of actually. Not like I want to fuck Ted. Just that… other people exist. And they’re full, complex, weird human beings too. And that Harmony isn’t the end of the world.”

“What’s going on between you two?”

I sighed.

“Sorry, I won’t ask. I’m just worried, girl.” She said.

“Harmony’s… sick. Like really sick. And they don’t have that much time left.”

“Shit. I had no idea…” Sammy stopped.

“It’s ok. I’ve known about it for a while. I guess I didn’t think it would get to me before.”

“Is it cancer or something?”

“I don’t really understand it. I don’t think Harmony does either, but they’re gonna die.”

“Fuck. Rachel I’m so sorry.”

Sammy hugged me, the reusable bags slapping one another in the wind.

“What are you gonna do?” She asked.

“I said I’d watch them die.”

“Jesus… If you need anything, I’m right here.”

“Thanks. It feels good to tell someone.”

Even though I was lying, that was true.

I squeezed my kiwi.